Chaos Free Living

I mean REALLY???

2011-10-28T09:41:00.003-05:00

I lost my job a couple of years ago. It was OK at the time because I knew I had another job, cool right. Two years of busting my ass and last week the incompetent assholes called me in to remove me from my job again. Dumbfounded does not begin to describe my thought process. However I am taking this time to regroup (read simmer) and finish my last semester of school.

Then to add insult to injury, Kendall broke her arm in a soccer game the following Saturday morning. This in and of itself was awful as I was not there but I was coaching Conner's volleyball game, but my insurance (which I kept and paid for the Cobra) requires me to go right back to the place that escorted me out. You would think as a paying patient that I would be treated with some modicum of respect, but oh would you be mistaken. I'm not sure how they knew I was in the building (I think my patient profile was tagged) but from the minute we hit the ER exam room, security was following me. I mean really, you people think broke my daughter's arm just to get back in this shithole and cause problems??? What the hell is wrong with you?

I am happier not being there, but I sure do miss my patients and most of my co-workers. The consultant supervisor they brought in look like Roz from Monsters Inc.

My neighbor who works at the front desk as a scheduler told me that the staff as a whole was notified that my name was not to be mentioned. My name being mentioned is grounds for a disciplinary write up. You would think I had committed a felony up in there. She of course said she would mention any ones name she chose and if they tried to write her up they would have a lawsuit on their hands, you know that whole first amendment thing.

Anyway, I have an oral Spanish exam on Skype in two weeks. Have I mentioned I don't speak Spanish very well even though I do well on the homework and quizzes. The odds of me passing this thing vary between slim and non at all. I pray to just pass the class.

So...where was I...

2011-04-15T16:32:00.002-05:00

I realized today that I hadn't been here in awhile. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was school, maybe it was the mini nervous breakdown I had last spring after the trainwreck dating fiasco I had, maybe it was the never ending soccer schedule that my kid had, I don't really know, but I decided it was well past time.

I am still not dating

Baby daddy is still in prison

Leslie is still alive and yes we did March Madness again this year (although fucking UConn won which pissed me right off)

The NFL is on vacation for the foreseeable future which pisses me right off as well

I still have three weeks left in the semester and it might be the death of me

I have ONE FUCKING SEMESTER left and then I'm finally finished

I am still committed to living in a yurt someday

The condo I was living in when I had to move and my house got foreclosed on, got foreclosed on...I moved directly across the street

so...whay's up with you?

Thoughts for a random Thursday

2010-03-25T17:32:00.002-05:00

I went to Bon Jovi, it was a spiritual and amazing experience!

I want to go to the Keys...alone.

I wonder what Kim Kardahian is thinking!

I am going to the west coast this fall and I'm totally stoked!

I miss pretty things.

I love my drinks!

I miss being crafty!

I have no ipinion of the health care bill.

And to my friends in Colorado and Philly...

I am done with dating. I have spent 57000 dollars on failed relationships...not gonna do it again!

I know I have missed some people, and I will recitfy it next time!

OHHHH! The Irony

2010-03-24T16:43:00.002-05:00

Sooooo, two weeks ago I went to see the man from the past. It was a great weekend. We hung out we laughed. I got up Monday morning and drove to work. I got to work and he IM'd me to see if I wanted to go to Rockfest for my birthday. For those of you who don't know, it's a giant all day concert. Anyway turns out it is ON my birthday, and sadly, or not I will be in Tuscon. So the day wears on and I go see Bon Jovi with the little funny one, Toe. When I got home, I sent him a text, cause he asked me to...and got nothing.

I knew it then, something was up.

So Tuesday I roll to work, and I start up the IM and instantly I can tell something is amuck. I'm not an idiot for goodness sakes. So finally, at about 11 I get..."Babe, I gotta talk to you"...wait for it

The long and short version..."I can't do this".

Really? When I'm at work? When just yesterday you were making plans for my birthday? When I am supposed to be there TOMORROW???

REALLY?

I shouldn't have been shocked, but really I was because he wasn't supposed to be like every other jackoff I have been with. He was supposed to be better. I guess that's what I get for giving him the benefit of the doubt. So I roll to Leslie's and March Madness commences. I will not be addressing it any further for what I would think are obvious reasons.

Sooooo, today I'm driving to work and the station I listen to is talking about people who have been broken up with by text or IM, and I'm feelin froggy, so I call, and I proceed to explain to the metro area, that yes, this happened to me. The DJ asked if I got "it's not you, it's me"...I said yes...he said "you know it's you right"...I said yes...I then told him about how he had invited me to Rockfest just the day before this happened...he said "oh, you're still going to Rockfest"...

I won tickets to the concert he invited me to and can't attend. Thick isn't it! To add to the silliness, his cousin, who he is living with, saw it on my Facebook and asked if she could have them...which I agreed to. Everytime I think it can't get any stranger, it most certainly does!

I like to laugh, what can I say???

2010-02-28T09:58:00.007-06:00

My friend La Petisa sent this to me! I thought it was some touchy feely feel good nonsense. So much so that I almost turned it off. Thank HEAVEN I didn't! In case I didn't mention it, my , well for a lack of better words, married boyfriend, who is I will say getting a divorce, has a wife that I think this is perfect for. I know, I shouldn't judge, but she makes it so easy...for example

Last week she asked him to call it off and keep working on it. For the record this is a concept that I support if he thinks he can be happy with her. She asks, she begs, she cries...then she goes out and screws a guy she just met on Saturday. I'll give you a minute. Interestingly, apparently her new fling, the one she explained away with "I'm sorry, I love you, it was a distraction" lives in my general vicinity! I'm not sure how we know this, but we do. There are several million people in this city and it is spread out...why can't he live somewhere else???

I realize I shouldn't act like this, but really I don't want to have to drive south of the river to have dinner. I was here first bitches!

Also, in case you weren't aware, tomorrow is the first day of March...you all know what that means!!!!

Look at me...now look at him

2010-02-24T15:33:00.001-06:00

I have no point or thought today other than this commercial makes me laugh...hard!

Dirty...Pirate...Hooker

2010-02-22T10:19:00.003-06:00

Yes, that would be me. I am the dirty pirate hooker and here is the thing, I DON'T CARE!

I spent last weekend with the old/new boy. I spent this weekend with the old/new boy. I am giddy like a school girl over a man that I didn't see for 22 years and still makes my stomach flutter. I am certain that his wife (who has slept with everyone in three counties except him) would be very pleased to know all about this.

I would be lying if I didn't mention that I want to send her a facebook message that simply said "THANKS BITCH", but I suppose for now, I will not. I suspect it has taken everything Luscious Jackson has to keep her mouth shut as well. She is however exceptionally please that she won our little bet and now she is a bottle of wine and scotch richer. Yes, I made a bet on the weekend and I lost...badly!

I have to wonder the level of stupidity one has to exercise to get involved with a man who just last week decided to get divorced, but the thing is, I don't care. I really don't. I don't feel bad, I don't feel scared...I feel better now than I have in years. What does one get a woman that says "Thank you for not sleeping with your husband...because I am thoroughly enjoying it!"?

Go ahead and say it with me...dirty...pirate...hooker...don't care!

I have survived

2010-02-08T17:37:00.002-06:00

At the risk of making each and every one of you ill, I would like to tell you that I had the sweetest weekend ever...get the barf bags now.

Let me open with LJ bet me, like wagered, her bottle of wine against my 12 pack that there WOULD be naughtiness. Mr. LJ even got in on it by calling the start time. It was on. When he finally got here, I was almost speechless. I didn't concede that he would actually come until I got the text that he was almost here. I will save you the dry heaving but at some point I violated one rule and I had officially lost. I didn't care a whole big bunch. I had forgotten what a man with the moral fortitude of more than tissue paper was like, but it was a nice reminder.

Sunday the girls came home and we ran all of the northland and had lunch. Finally we return home and watched "The Hurt Locker" (which I strongly recommend). For all of the things that I have missed in the last two years, I have missed simply having the physical touch of a man. Someone to hold my had or rub my arm or just lay his head in my lap. By the time the game started, I had resigned myself to the fact that I didn't wait 22 years to get busy, I waited 22 years to watch a football game with someone that I truly enjoy being around.

He did spend the night Sunday, and I have to say that when I go to bed tonight I'll be a titch lonely, but I will feel better knowing that even after that long, I can still look at a person and and have them see right through me. I like that.

This was my personal favorite!

OMG OMG OMG

2010-02-05T10:40:00.002-06:00

OK...Here's the deal

I am having a slight panic attack. I am slightly short of breath and I am not sure if I will make it to Sunday to watch the Superbowl.

I have a man friend coming to my house

Now when I say friend, what I really mean is my very, very, very first boyfriend. Yes that guy. Now Luscious Jackson seems to think that there will be hanky panky. I do not. Because frankly, I'm not sure if I would remember how, and I'm certain that I would go into full on panic mode. OK not really, but the idea of anything happening between us is frankly a little scary. Scary enough that I spend the better part of my day telling LJ she's crazy and having her just chastise me for not embracing my emotions. It gets quite comical. Leslie of course is of the belief that it may or may not happen. Shes not taking sides. She's Sweden.

I'm nervous. I'm not gonna lie! Wish me luck!

I have no class what so ever!

Here's the deal

2010-02-03T20:08:00.002-06:00

It is no surprise to anyone who reads this blog that I lost my job. I got another one and I moved. Sadly I can't make both my mortgage payment and my rent payment and since I live here I make my rent payment. I have told both Bank of America and Citi Mortgage this story...NO LESS THAN 35 TIMES!

Yet they call. I have a contract on my house currently and I have let them both know. I can't cover them both and I have let them know. On Monday...ON MONDAY...I fielded 6...count them 6 phone calls from Citi...I even got the same guy twice. I tell the story over and over and over again until I am in tears, because the people who can help me won't and the people who can't help me call over, and over, and over again.

I have told them to stick it. I have told them to look at the account. I have told them that I have the bankruptcy paperwork drawn up and if they act like they will come after me I will file it and they will get nothing. And still they call. I was told that the law says that if you answer a singular phone call, they cannot call you again that day. That's a farce. So. I will continue to answer in the hopes that they stop. But I hope to hell that someone, anyone with an idea to make it stop will share it with me.

In my next life...

2010-02-01T17:14:00.004-06:00

I have decided that when I grow up, I'm going to be a lunch lady!

Not at a school, but at a hospital, so I can hear all of the gossip.

My friend told me I couldn't be because it reminded him of Chris Farley. I thought I would wet myself.

I love weekends

2010-01-31T13:00:00.003-06:00

I love the fact that I didn't shower until today! I love that my kids want to be outside! I love that I have enough movies and vodka to make it until the Pro bowl starts!

I took a long walk today and realized that some people have mufflers that I am certain violate some treaty on smog reduction.

I watched the Notebook yesterday and while I got teary for a very small second, I realized that movies are movies for a reason. That shit would never happen in real life.

I am at that time of the year when football is ending and conference play is making Leslie's hair fall out. Why can't it be March already?

I'm am trying to define emotional distance and in the same breath I am trying out emotional boundaries. I am sucking at both. I apparently lack the fundamental ability to have healthy emotional life. Either I'm in or I'm out. Black or white. Need to work it out.

I am loving the Dicky V is still needing to suck Roy's dick during a KU broadcast because he knows the tarheels suck this year! Can the tourney start already!

Hello Darkness My Old Friend

2010-01-26T18:14:00.003-06:00

So during the decline of a couple of my dominant relationships an old friend tracked me down. It was odd actually. He just popped up on my facebook chat one evening. I hadn't seen him in 22 years...until Friday.

I met him at Leslie's house. No, she had never met him before, however she had talked to him and they exchange texts. So I walk in and there he sat. Right in front of me. If I had been one of those people I would have snatched him up and hugged him, but I'm not and I didn't. Instead I sat on the floor and cracked a beer because I am THAT person. It took some time but frankly I hate the floor so I got up and grabbed his arm and told him how very good it was to see him.

The last time I saw him was the day my parents pulled me out of school and moved me to Kansas. Two weeks early and quite unexpected. The stars never aligned so that I was ever able to see him after that. Until Friday. By the time he left I was 15 again and when he held my hand I remembered why I deserve better things in life. A simple act might have changed my path.

Now I'm not saying that when he leaves, and believe me he will, I'm going to fall pieces. I will always be thankful for the gentle reminder that he gave me. Sometimes it takes a blast from the past to push us into the future.

This may not appeal to everyone, but I like it.

There is not enough therapy in the world for me

2010-01-25T09:34:00.005-06:00

I have long believed that in another life I was left brained. I was a person who was thoughtful and forgiving and saw the beauty in everyhting. I was artistic and optimistic. Remember please this was a past life. I am not that person.

I see everything in black and white. Now I know that some of you will argue that this is closed minded and sad, but let me finish. When you view the world in black and white, it makes it ohhh so much easier to do the dirty work. When you have a limited scope of emotion, it makes it easier to drop the hammer.

I haven't talked to Amy in a month. I was rude to her boyfriend and she called me out for it. In the process however she said some things to me that really didn't need to be said and because I am who I am, I killed it. I'm done.

At the same time, the BD, who if you will remember, is in PRISON, opted to jump my shit for something that I said to Amy. He took offense to something that I didn't even say to him. I took me a minute or three, but in the end, I killed it too. Done.

I know people who have the softest hearts. I look at them and I wonder what that must feel like to always see the good. To put your own emotion aside and just forgive. I'm not capable. I'm not sure why, but I'm not. I have a friend that I just want to fucking shake because they are like that. I look at them and I just shake my head, of course I will listen when they want to talk and laugh when they want to laugh and I will their hand if that's what needs to happen, but I don't for one stinking second understand them.

I said I needed therapy with tongue in cheeck. You see that's the last fucking thing I need. I do not need someone to help me place blame. I do not need someone who will tell me that I can blame it all on my parents or my childhood. I certainly don't need to pay someone so that I can be blameless in my own choices.

I wish I was little softer hearted. I wish that sorry would fix everything. I wish that love really was all that mattered, but it's not. And in light of that little fact I have chosen this little nugget to share today.

I love him. Also in case you missed it, the fucking Vikings lost...bullshit!

It's that time of year!

2010-01-24T15:37:00.008-06:00

I have been absent. I have been preoccupied. I have tried to find ways to fix my problems...and I have failed. I chose to give up. I gave up on relationships that didn't work. I gave up on smoking...although I don't really want to. I gave up on living the dream that I have always had.

I have watched many of my friends suffer, hurt and struggle. I don't like it. It doesn't make me happy and I don't feel good when it does, but...

I have found myself again.

I am not that girl. I'm not going to let the situation beat me. I have gone back to school which sucks, but I love it. I have found strength in places I didn't know it existed, and it's hard, but welcome. I have remembered that real friends never leave you...ever. I would like to invite you all to reminisce. Think about where you came from and where you are going.

Maybe today all of you can share your turning point. When you FINALLY got it. When you finally saw the light. I have made my choices and it should be interesting to see how I get out of some of them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nvej-wEI3NI

For the life of me I can't get the video to post but you'll get the idea!

And for my non facebook friends...he held my hand!

Dear Mr. Getoutofmybusiness

2009-11-01T07:36:00.004-06:00

Dear Mr. G

While I realize that you had no interest or desire in hiring me there are a few facts that I think I should point out to you so that we can move forward from here on out. Pay attention, I know it's hard.

1. YOU ARE NOT MY BOSS. You have little if anything to do with my area and department and therefore your "acts of generosity" appear to be more geared towards taking control of something you have no control over. It is not my fault that the powers that be felt I was the most qualified to work in their department. I am not them and I don't tell them what to do. I simply come to work and do three times as many patients as your people do. I bill as much in a day as you do per tech in week. In case you missed the memo, money talks.

2. In your quest to have your wrinkly fingers in everything that goes on, you spent three months trying to fix the licence only to wait for me to show up and tell you what I needed. Even when I let you know that I had researched it extensively, you refused to acknowledge it. In the future either screw up on your own or follow simple instruction, it's your choice.

3. That inept fuck YOU hired to be MY physicist is a joke. When one deals with the NRC, things must me accurate and correct. That Barney Fife jack-ass who looks like a disheveled old guy from the bar is going to get us all fined. While you may not be my boss, we do function on the same licence and therefore, my fines are your fines. Have fun with that. In addition, the next time you send someone to pick apart my books and records, make sure that my records are in bad shape and furthermore make sure he understands that I wasn't born in a swamp yesterday. I am a board certified Nuclear Cardiology Tech. I know what the hell I am doing and coming into my office and insulting my credentials, my former co-workers, and my way of doing things will get us no where. Finally, if he's going to question me, make sure he knows what he is talking about.

In closing let me say that the next time you screw up my department, you know, planning a move to a room that isn't finished, providing a physicist that is inept, or failing to list the licence the way it needs to be done, I am going to eventually freak out. Moreover, if you ever run your hand across the small of my back again and call me "hun" while doing it, you can only hope I scream harassment instead of punching you in your old ass face like I want to. I can take your professional shit, but you will keep your smarmy hands off the goods.

With all of my love

Hi there....remember me!

2009-10-03T19:06:00.003-05:00

Soooo..... since the last time we talked many fun and fantastic things have happened. I have a job, a new home, an office that isn't finished, an old fart who doesn't know his head from a hole in the ground intereferring in my work. I have been taking online classes full time ( which is why I haven't been writing this) and a new dog. I wish that I could say that I have new pictures, but that would be a lie. I wish I could say that I have made great personal stides to improve myself, but that would be a lie too. Here is what I HAVE done...

I found friends that I haven't seen or talked to in months and years. I spent a week with my friend from grade school. When I walked in her house it was like we hadn't missed a second of each others lives.

I started selling a skin care line to make extra money during the time that I wasn't working. Luscious Jackson was kind enough to have a party for me and it was super fantastic. She scored lots of free stuff and I made a little money. More importantly I remembered why I like her so much....she's a fucking hoot.

I put my kids in a public school. They loved it. I moved and they now go to a school that is five times larger and they still love public school.

I have drank a lot.

I have screamed about the stupidity of some people and tried my best to prove they are inept. I have failed so far.

I have welcomed football season with my usual gusto, and am about to go watch me some ball now!

I really thought that when I was off work I would write more, but I realized that my best shit comes when I am ass deep in stupidity and flailing about wildly. Therefore, I am back and hateful as ever!

Unemployment...or as I like to call it "The Greatest Thing EVER!!!"

2009-07-27T05:49:00.003-05:00

Days 3 through 15. I guess it's a sign that I'm getting along just fine without a jobby job as I haven't had time to post in a week and a half. Where did I leave off?

Oh yeah day 3. Went to the farmers market, bought some great stuff and then proceeded to make bread, because why??? Yes, you know why. Sadly and this will come up later in the conversation, I have left town and some of our great buys will have gone bad by the time we get back.

Went to the pool a lot last week. Like an unnatural amount, but then, tragedy struck and I had to change my plans for the week to include a side trip home before my big Oklahoma vacation. My friend's dad passed and we all went back for the funeral. That sucked, however I did get to go out with Buda and Luscious Jackson, oh and my friends Meridith from Denver, that was great fun...until I had to get up at 7:30 and get ready to leave for the fucking oven that is Oklahoma.

So we got here Saturday and I haven't seen my friend here in 8 years, but it's like I just saw here last week. Her children running around with mine is almost like watching ourselves at that age. Truly hysterical. We spent the day on the lake yesterday and you know it's funny, I can spend 6 hours doing anything else in the world and hate it, I spent 6 hours on the lake and wished it would have never ended. How does that work?

I would have pictures, but I can't figure out how to upload them right now!

Unemployment...days 1 & 2

2009-07-16T17:57:00.004-05:00

Since I have nothing else to really report, let me tell you how fantastic I think unemployment is...

Started my first day of unemployment by getting up and cruising Facebook for an hour. This isn't much different than any other day, but yesterday I got to do it at home! Proceeded to attended the 10:45 showing of HP and The Half Blood Prince. I felt like Tiffany at the blood bank! Does anyone want to know why my movie was better than hers??? Let me tell you. I got to watch my movie while being served unlimited Diet Coke and eating a bacon-cheeseburger!!! Beat that vampire freaks. (let it be noted that when whatever that next movie is comes out, it too can be viewed at Forks & Suites in Olathe, Kansas.)

I was so happy and excited about my movie that I went home and cleaned up the DVD mess from the weekend painting fiasco. I can now tell you that I have lovely built in bookshelves that are not purple and I have no movies that need boxes and no boxes that need movies. I pitched all the extras! Wonder how my children are going to feel when they figure that one out?

Still feeling quite pleased with myself I proceeded to clean and organize Kendall's room and drawers. I hate this little task, but I whipped it out in an hour. She went to VBS and I went to dinner with my friend Renee. Renee was formerly referred to as my boss because she was, but now that I am unemployed, she is my friend, and with that comes the ability to go out and drink to much wine on a school night because why kids...I don't have to work the next day. Jesus I am loving this.

I did field a couple of emails from my former practice administrator, but that's only because I'm hoping they will hire me before November 1st, and so I respond to them.

Day two started out with mowing the back yard and 7:30 this morning. Why? Because I was up and...I don't have to work today! As I was cruising the back yard I just giggled softly to myself, everyone else I know has some sort of some thing they are supposed to be doing today. I'm simply doing whatever frees me up mentally to fuck off for the rest of the afternoon. After a short jaunt to the office, I met my ex-husband to take the ladies swimming (no he didn't attend thank God). Came home and decided that some laundry was probably in order so I took it down and thought I should figure out how to run the dehumidifier to the sump pump. Not rocket science, but I haven't managed to do it two years, why not today. It only took an hour, and when I finished I laughed because I didn't care how long it took, I have all day tomorrow to do whatever I don't do today. Holy Christ, I love being unemployed!

Now, I'm going to drink beer and watch bad television and wait for the storms to start and make my list for tomorrow. Tops on that list is filing for actual unemployment benefits. Yes friends, I AM going to get paid (on top of my severance) for being this happy because guess why...I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK!!!!

Chantix: Purveyor of evil, killer of dreams

2009-07-13T08:28:00.005-05:00

So as you all know I have intermittently tried to quit smoking. Nothing is quite as motivating as being broke. So with my last day of work quickly approaching and two boxes of Chantix in my bathroom I decided once again to quit because who can afford $6 a pack while looking for a job?

Let's talk about the Chantix for a second. More specifically let's talk about the other things it makes seem unnecessary.

For starters, I like beer and recently I have been enjoying it quite a bit and probably should cut back, but I feel justified at this point. However I have noticed that in the last week I end up feeling bloated and sick to my stomach after what should only be a warm up of drinking. Now this is not a bad thing, but if I'm not drinking my evening away, I'm going to have to find something else to entertain myself. Chantix 1 Karen 0 (I LIKE MY BEER)

Also, and let me assure you, this isn't for the weak of heart, it seems to be affecting my ability to, well for a lack of better words, take care of business. Look, I'm not having sex, so I am my own best friend. When you start interfering with my ability to attain non medicated joy, it's a problem. I might also mention here that the Chantix box says nothing about curing alcoholism and curbing masturbation. I looked. Twice. Chantix 2 Karen 0

Then, the other night, in my non-buzzed dreams, I went to a lot where the Home depot is only it was a giant lot, and people were swimming and 4-wheeling in it (it rained that day). I ran into some friends, and they invited me to a party. Now in the dream I had my older daughter with me and the younger one was at my neighbors. So we go to this party and I see my college boyfriend (who I haven't seen in 15 years) and he hands me a gift and professes his undying love for me in front of his best friend. The gift was a hand made retainer (for my teeth) and his best friend was Ron Weasly from the Harry Potter movies. Decision Chantix.

Shoot me.

2009-07-07T10:01:00.002-05:00

Per Leslie

If I have to take anesthesia to sleep go ahead and shoot me.

I am right on top of it! I think I will be glad when today is over. My apologies to anyone who is feeling true loss on this day, but I think I might a little more on the "Let's move on" bus.

So I spent this weekend with a guest. Who you ask? (You know you did) Apparently Martha fing Stewart moved in when I wasn't looking. After a really super trip to prison on Friday (don't ask, it was horrifying) I woke up with special energy on Saturday. I decided that this was the weekend that I was going to finish all of my unfinished projects. Sadly, Leslie's blankie isn't home yet, and didn't get in on the festivities. So after going about 50 places to get all of my supplies, I returned home and proceeded to make three braided head band for the young one, and super kick ass blankie for her as well, a couple of insanely simple purses with bamboo handles and finally some Poppy seed bread with lemon glaze for the BBQ at the neighbors.

If I were a good crafter or a good blogger, I would have had pictures before I posted this, however since I am neither, you will have to wait until tomorrow.

Finally I got to go back to the pool yesterday. I haven't been since the beginning of June, because I have had to work my ass off to get all of the patients done before the big move/losing of job next week. I find it terribly amusing that these people want me to work my fat ass off for NOTHING and then...oh look...we can get the doses...sorry...only two patients a day...I'll be at the pool....hope you all have fun!

I'm not bitter, what makes you ask that?

Patriotism has a whole new meaning

2009-07-02T07:30:00.003-05:00

1. I couldn't be any fucking sicker of hearing about Michael Jackson if I tried. I read yesterday that people were killing themselves over this. Is this what it was like when Elvis died? Seriously, he died. He OD'd. For heavens sakes, can we move on.

2. I spent nearly 4 hours yesterday trying to figure out how many hours I can take at Juco from the comfy confines of my house and I was impressed. Who knew you could take speech online??? Does it make me a recluse if I am doing everything possible to not step on campus?

3. It's 4th of July weekend. Time to bust out your bandannas and your "good" wife beaters. I will be attending a BBQ at the neighbors, but secretly I wish I was going to be shooting paintball guns and drinking beer at Leslie's house. Only problem with that is she hates the 4th of July...guess I'll just go to the BBQ. Try not to blow yourselves up.

4. Amy is going to Hong Kong. For good. Like moving there. In 12 days. Who is going to finish my sentences for me?

5. Baby Daddy can send email now. I know, it's weird. Evidentally the state believes it will cut down on contraband by doing away with snail mail. Good luck with that kids. I will say it's rather convenient. However I may have to watch what I say because God only knows how much other access they have.

6. I am 15 days away from what I am now referring to as my extended vacation. KathiD was kind enough to offer to let the girls and I move in with her! Thanks KathiD. We'll be there in August and really we have no reason to ever leave. Did I mention Noodles was coming too? If not sorry for the short notice!

NOTE: When I was done writing this I went to yahoo images to look for a picture of a half naked soldier you know, to show my patriotism. Well if a hundred pound asian guy pulling on his monkey in a sailor hat is your kind of thing let me know, otherwise sorry, no picture, just South Park.

PPS Thanks Melissa for fixing my 4th!

Need a laugh?

2009-06-29T08:59:00.002-05:00

OK. Yes Michael Jackson dies. It's sad. I loved Billie Jean, but seriously, he was a freak who thought he was Peter Pan, mourn and move on. Farrah died. Farrah died from anal cancer. Enough said. Billy Mays died from a head trauma on that crazy flight to Tampa. I need to know who is going to be selling me Oxyclean now.

The other day I was over at Pretty on the Outside, which I love, and he had a link to a site called Texts From Last Night. I have to tell you that I have spent days nearly doubled over in my office laughing my ass off. Little nuggets like...

(512): The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
(319): Yes. For all mankind please do.

(303): Billy Mays died!
(1-303): I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?

(416): dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
(647): well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

I could go on for hours. If you want or need to laugh today, go check this out!

I'm just completely shocked

2009-06-23T10:45:00.003-05:00

I really can't believe Jon & Kate are getting divorced. I mean in all honesty, I am absolutely surprised that one or both of them haven't actually just skipped the courts and moved right on to justifiable homicide. Have you seen this shit?

She is a mean spirited hag of a woman who makes me look like the patron saint of all things sweet and nice. I have treated the men in my life badly at times (OK really badly) but I have never held a candle to that woman. I guess maybe I'm just jealous of her absolute control and oh let's not forget, her tidy little paycheck she gets for exploiting her children.

I saw a special during the dark phase in which it became apparent that she had been planning this all along. Whether she meant to have 6 six at once or not, it was creepy how much video footage they had compiled BEFORE THE SEXTUPLETS WERE BORN! I think she's insane on an "I have to turn away now" level.

As for him...no woman likes a man with no balls. I don't care how many times I say I want to be in control, the simple fact is that if my balls are bigger than yours, there are going to be some rather serious problems. I don't blame him for cowering, but it really isn't attractive. I also don't blame him for having an affair. I wonder if it wasn't a passive aggressive way to get the hell out with the least amount of physically damage.

I reeeallllyyyyy wander what they are going to call the show now? Kate & Eight and all of Jon's money? How about Kate makes enough and travels too much so Jon got the kids and the support? Help me out kids.

Thoughts,concepts, and ideas

2009-06-22T11:59:00.002-05:00

Hi! Remember me? Yeah well, me neither. I have been sucked into this giant abyss of crap. I still have no job after July 17th, and that is really scary. So for the last 6 weeks I have done nothing but obsess about my soon to be homelessness and joblessness and all around no longer carefreeness.

Being carefree is what makes me funny. Being funny, or at least trying, is why I write this blog. I want blog friends who have similar senses of humor. When you are not feeling funny, it's hard to write. I thought surely I was a lock for the job in Hutch....and that's what I get for thinking. I was offered no explanation for why they chose someone else, and I suspect it was money. The thing that would have been nice though was if I hadn't had to wait two and a half weeks.

So why am I back you ask? Well, I'm a little more carefree than I have been. By the grace of God (or my parents depending on your faith) I don't have to sell my house....yet. I have to try to sell it, but I don't have to move before it's sold unless I get a job. Originally, the plan was to just leave when I lost my job and move in with them. Now, I'm just going to hang out in the country until it sells. I have a severance package and 39 weeks of unemployment. That adds up to 52 weeks that I can live! So with that said, I'm back.

***have any of my smoker friends noticed that your cigarettes have started putting themselves out at random? Not random, they are "fire safe" which sounds a bit like an oxymoron to me, but whatever. Apparently enough people set themselves and their homes on fire that now cigarettes put themselves out. It suck shit in my opinion!

This always makes me smile!!!

Karen is losing her job

2009-05-18T13:16:00.003-05:00

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried.

Let's recap. I put my house on the market in early April. I'm selling it as is because I had a water problem in the basement and no money to fix it. So I disclose all of this and this dumb ass couple makes an offer complete with letter explaining how they understood everything that was going on blah blah blah 25000 less than asking price. I took it because they stated they knew what was going on and yada yada yada they back out 9 days later.

This was right about the time the washer broke.

So then on April 25th we had had the great truck debacle which ended with me having to tell me parents that I couldn't sell my truck because well, there is a loan against it. It just kept getting better.

Then the mother of all bullshit. I get a call from Toe on the 1st of May asking me whats going on at my office. I tell her I have no idea. She tells me they sold the practice. I almost swallowed my tongue. You see I am contract help. I am employed by a separate company. So after calling everyone I could think of, I spent the weekend fearing, but knowing what was coming. For a week no one would give me an answer. My boss didn't have the cancellation letter so who knew what was up. The office wouldn't give me a straight answer until that Thursday, yes Karen, yes we severed the contract , oh but hey you sure can apply to the hospital in LIBERTY. It's like an hour away, but I think OK whatever I have to move anyway, but then it comes out that they aren't hiring a Nuc Med tech and so yes to put it bluntly I am fucked.

Then Amy tells me there is an opening at Hutch, where I am from, where my parents live, where lots of people I love live. So I applied and now I wait. So yeah, that's what I've been up too, although I will say that I spent the night at Leslie on Friday and she bought me a birthday cake and to top it off, to my knowledge there weren't any accidents!

Leslie has as an accident

2009-05-11T06:58:00.007-05:00

I woke up at 6:41 to let my dog out. I walked over to the back door and stepped on the area rug. It was sopping wet. I yelled at my dog to get "over here." I couldn't imagine why my 9 year old dog had suddenly decided to piss inside and wanted to talk to her about it. As I let her out and carried the rug to the washer it hit me....I had popped a squat by the backdoor...and it hadn't been outside. The last time this happened I tried to pee in a drawer of my vanity in the bathroom and instead pissed all over the floor. I am 35 yrs old and this is a new phenomenon....which makes me giggle everytime I talk about it.

Karen rides in a tow truck

2009-04-30T11:06:00.002-05:00

So I was going to my parents last weekend, careening down the interstate at mach 5, talking to Leslie about the draft. Conner was being pissy because I was making her listen to said draft on the radio. So I'm driving and yapping and out of no where, the radio goes off. My immediate thought was paranormal state, but then I figured fuse, why not. I tell Leslie I'm going to stop in the next town and get a fuse. I didn't make it to the next town.

the Entire truck went dead moments later while I saw still racing down the road in what is quickly becoming a driving rain. I start to panic and call my mom who calls AAA who calls me. Nice man. Clean tow truck. All his teeth. Overall a total score.

My truck in still in Hutch and I am the proud owner of a Ford Fusion which is quite different to drive than the F-150. Seriously, I hope God is having a good laugh, because I am nearly at the end of my rope!

Karen Goes to Laundromat...

2009-04-20T09:44:00.002-05:00

or welcome to hell at 10am.

So in between trying to have the house show ready for eight days (I was lucky) and trying to wrangle snakes, my washer broke. I had been procrastinating with the laundry over Easter weekend because I knew I had all day Monday and Tuesday to do it as I was off work. So Monday night I'm starting and I go down to move the laundry and low and behold, bitch isn't working. Unfortunately this has happened before, so I knew what it was and the it wouldn't be cheap, but I called the dude and he said to call when I was ready to have it put in.

In the mean time, I have gathered now nearly two weeks of laundry and the washer still wasn't working so I packed it all up yesterday morning and off we went. When we got there, every regular washer was running. I couldn't believe it, there were only two people in there how could 25 washers be in use???

then I figured it out...the only washers not being used were the more expensive front loaders. I was pissed, but I had no choice. So the girls and I proceed the separate the mass of clothing directly into the machines (no I wasn't smart enough to sort it ahead of time). By the time it was all said and done, I had all seven of the front loaders going. I was feeling very smart. Then I realized these were double load machines. Hmmm...lets' count that up....between 12 and 14 loads of laundry! Seriously, I'm not allowing my children more than one outfit a week from now on!

The only blessing to this little trip was that when we got home, all that had to be done was putting it away, we folded it all there. So actually, it was an extremely productive trip, but I don't desire to do it again.

On a side note, I haven't seen a snake in ten whole days!

No I'm not dead

2009-04-18T09:21:00.002-05:00

No, just swirling in my pool of disbelief! I sold my house, not because I wanted too, but the basement flooding finally won. I have a contract, and I will be homeless in about 6 weeks if I don't find something soon.

I found not 1 but 2 snakes in my basement this week, so overall it's been real interesting around here. As I type and listen to the pounding rain I have to keep telling myself it will be over soon!

I heart MU

2009-03-27T09:25:00.004-05:00

So I stayed up way too late last night watching Mizzou (who I did not pick) smoke the shit out of Memphis (who I did pick). I may have had a little too much too drink and smoked a few too many cigarettes, but I don't care. I am so sick and tired of all these biased, Big East cock sucking, gaywad announcers pretending like the only place real basketball is played in on the east coast (sorry Ellie). I have news for people, especially people in Kentucky, Memphis in particular, we do in fact know how to win.

In case ANYONE forgot who won last year.

Here's a hint, it wasn't Memphis.

And again last night, is wasn't Memphis.

I know UConn is talented, and big, but I am currently totally in love with MU, (DeMarre call me!) and the thought that MU, KU, and OU could all go the Elite Eight makes my all warm and fuzzy. Tonight I will crack my beer, entertain my child with kid movies in her room, put on my Kansas pants and root like hell for OU and KU. I have news for the Big East, MU may have won the Tournament, but they weren't the best team in the conference, the other two are.

Villanova(who I did not pick)beat Duke. Do I need to elaborate on that at all?

It's going to snow here. And when I say snow, I mean the blizzard of the decade. The weather channel has it up at a 100% chance. Not 70% chance of snow. Not 50% chance of sleet, but 100% chance of heavy snow. Why don't they just put on there to bend over and kiss your ass goodbye because you may, in fact, not see the outside world again for awhile. Really, it should be a fucking rule that it can't snow after it's been 80. Pisses me off.

Have a good weekend all. Ellie, will you still love me if we win tomorrow???

PS-I know Kentucky is not "on" the east coast, I was just making a point.

Managing the Madness

2009-03-23T09:02:00.003-05:00

For anyone who has read this blog more than once, is my facebook friend or was around last year, you will know why I have been incognito since last week....yes, the tournament started.

I drove to Hutch on Wednesday, threw my kid out the window at my moms house and spend to me destination...Leslie's couch. Last year we decided that watching it alone was no fun and no one we know is as insane or capable of staying in the same place for extended periods of time so I took off this year and we watched it together.

Picture this. A grown man walks into a house at 9 on a random night. There are beer cans everywhere, ashtrays and packs of cigarettes everywhere, and two brackets hanging on the mantle. Now these are now your average brackets. These are 18 x 24 in brackets that I had made special just for this. It occurs to you that there are no other men here, but two grown women on the couch screaming at the TV because oh my lord Sienna hit that shot or you fucking morons how did you lose to Cleveland State. I have no doubts that Leslie friend that stopped by was less than attracted to the scene as I don't think he is a sports guy.

Anyway, as it stands, I'm not dead yet. I lost 3 of my 16, but I have faith in my Elite 8. As for the teams still playing, I have Louisville picked. Not because I like them, but because I want to win. I picked MU to lose yesterday and have to be honest, I'm happy they didn't. I now have an underdog to get totally behind as long as they lose to Memphis, because that really will fuck things up. MU and Syracuse. I will root for them, because I had Temple and Leslie took 'Cuse and I think someone who reads this is a 'Cuse fan, and I have to make it up to her!

In all honesty, I think I spent a total of 60 hours out of 72 on the end on Leslie couch. It's where I sleep, it's where I ate, drank and smoked. I started giggling on the way home yesterday because I am certain there is an imprint of my ass on the end cushion!

And now it's the dogs fault

2009-03-17T07:47:00.002-05:00

So Saturday I bought both girls Nintendo DS(s). Yet another in the litany of bullshit they think they need, but whatever keeps them out of my hair worked for me. Conner's birthday is in May and that is what she wanted and I didn't want to have to listen to the other one whine for 7 months until her birthday, so I bought them both and off we went home.

We get them plugged in and all is right with the world. Charging and oohing and awwing and life is great. By Saturday night, Conner had figured out that her gameboy games will work in it as well, and now the entire world is cotton candy and unicorns. We get up Sunday we go to church we run some errands. Conner, in her haste to make some point, snags her jacket off of the kitchen counter and bam, Kendall's nintendo is in the dog bowl. It isn't even 2 days old.

So as I proceed to freak completely out and I'm screaming and yelling and pretty much losing it, Kendall is just sitting on the stool, holding her precious little game with little tiny tears running down her cheeks saying" It's OK, mom. It's OK Conner." Conner decides that she'll give Kendall her gameboy, and which point I say "NO, you'll give her your DS". This did not go over well.

We dry the stupid thing off and, oh hey it still works, never mind the little bit of water that's coming out of it. So we decide that the world has not ended. Until about 7 Sunday night when Kendall's DS won't turn on, won't charge, won't do shit. Conner is again pissed that she has to give hers up, I'm screaming at Amy on the phone about how pissed I am, and now I'm realizing that I have about three beers in the house, and that's unacceptable.

Amy, being the good friend that she is and knowing how dangerously close to mass murder we are says "Take it back". Hadn't thought about that. So yesterday, I loaded up the soggy DS and hauled it back to the store and told them "It won't charge". Little girl didn't even blink, gave me a brand new one. I should probably feel bad for that, but I would have felt worse for beating my children, so I'm OK with it. Needless to say, the DS(s) are not allowed in the kitchen or the bathroom anymore!

Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone!

Things I'm loving today

2009-03-13T07:16:00.004-05:00

1. That it's going to snow...again. What the hell??? I want to mow the lawn, not shovel the driveway, what a bunch of crap.

2. That 3 of the 4 top seeds in the tourney lost yesterday AND the 'Cuse took down UConn. You don't have to love or even like sports to get behind the underdogs.

3. That I am again embracing my inner redneck. There is something to be said for it and I can't wait for summer when I can put it on full display.

4. The word "ambigram". It describes a tattoo that spells something when you look at it the right way, the when you flip it upside down, it either spells the same word or a totally different word. I think my favorite was the combo of sinner and saint. Yes friends, there is a new tattoo in the works.

5. That Bernard Madoff had to go to jail yesterday. I find great justice in that. I hardly think house arrest in his $7 million penthouse befits his crime. I hope someone had a cousin who has a friend in Rikers that makes his stay as miserable as humanly possible.

6. The guards at EDCF-North. I loathe these people. The guards at the other place weren't bad. They were pleasant and nice to my kids. Last weekend this particular jack-ass decided to search my daughter while I was busy doing something else. Here's the thing...they can search her and I cannot do anything about it, but why don't you wait until her guardian is with her. I of course don't say anything because well, I don't. Come to find out he's a little bitter because the guards from the other unit will be there this weekend and most of them have been reassigned. Karma is a bitch my friend.

7. Only five days until Leslie gets her Happy Tournament gift. I can't wait!

8. And this. I giggle hysterically every time I see it!

Hope everyone has a wonderful back pain free weekend!

2009-03-12T07:22:00.001-05:00

Take a minute...Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kris whatever his name is and Waylon. This shit makes me want to sit in Leslie's yard and smoke too much and drink too much and shoot paint ball guns with my hair in braids and in my bikini. Because deep down I ~~know~~ fear I'm a flaming redneck

Anytime I hear the first few cords, I actually giggle a lit bit out loud, not sure why, but it happens everytime.

I don't know why this is the topic for today. Maybe it's the fact that spring is around the corner and that always takes me back to the summer and fall after Kendall was born. Who knows, maybe it's because next week the tourney starts and I know there will be much smoking and drinking and ballin. I just know that these songs make me laugh.

Lick Balls

2009-03-11T10:58:00.000-05:00

You know this whole bank bailout thing has me giggling a little. I know my view on this is skewed, so don't point it out to me, but this is how I like to think of it...

Two years ago I opened a line of credit with Citi. It had some ridiculous limit, and I promptly ran it right up. I can't be accused of always being financially literate, but I'm working on it. Anyway, I pay on this thing, it's always on time it's always more than the minimum monthly payment, I'm good. So about three months ago I get a letter stating that I am a high credit risk and that they are cutting the limit on the line of credit. Now I don't care accept that by cutting it, they change my debt to limit ratio and it messes with my credit score.

So I call them. And I ask what the fuck. OK not exactly those words, but that basic concept. The wench on the other end begins to explain that I am not a good credit risk and therefore they were exercising their right to lower my limit. I start cackling. I explain to her that I am in better shape financially today than I was when they gave me the line of credit to start with. It made no sense, and she was being a bitch so I said "is there nothing I can do to get you to change it back?". Of course not, so I told her that when the time came and I had to choose who got paid and who didn't, I could assure her that all of the Citi accounts...the mortgage, the credit card, and the line of credit would be the very first ones that I defaulted on and that if I happen to become terminal then I going to make sure that I have the limits maxed out before I stop paying them.

She didn't have a lot to say after that. When Citi goes under, and it will, I am going to laugh my ass off that ultimately it's them and not me that's a shitty credit risk.

I kind of ran away for awhile

2009-03-09T12:56:00.004-05:00

I feel like a kid that ran away from home. Where to start....

Well, as I mentioned apparently someone tried to snatch my daughter from the corner. Then two days later, she was sick, and stayed home from school. When she went back, she got her homework and told me she had until the next week to get it done. It sounded a bit odd, but OK I'll go with that. So the whole next week goes by and everything is hunky hunky dory and then, came "the" Monday.

Monday morning, her teacher calls to express her sympathy that my father had died, and she understood that we had been very busy what with going to Arizona for the funeral over the weekend and all, but, did I know that Conner had missed her detention that morning.

Silence.

"I'm sorry....WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY???"

For the record, my dad didn't die. We didn't go to Arizona, and no, she didn't mention the detention. She did however mention that she was supposed to help a teacher this morning, and for some reason she wasn't there. Oh wait, I get it now, Conner couldn't do the detention because I made her take here SISTER with her. Oh yes, it's all becoming clear now. I'll see you this afternoon in the principals office. Thanks for calling. Oh by the way, did you do the state reports in class? No. Oh see she doesn't have hers done because she told me you were doing them in class, and why yes I do know the are a half of her grade and it's due in forty eight hours. Have a nice chat with my ex-husband!

Seventeen homework alerts and a massive grounding later, I would have thought that she would have gotten the picture. That's what I get for thinking. The teacher called again last week, and let me know there were three more homework alerts and one was now a zero because she had failed to return it twice, and well you know how it goes. Then, this morning, she calls again...same FUCKING STORY! My kid has turned into some sort of lazy lying freak.

I have been known to lie. Not proud of it, but as adults it happens. I have never in a million years seen anything like this from a NINE year old child. Her father freaked, she has to see a therapist, which is cheap, and oh yeah, did I mention that now I wonder if the whole car pulling up thing even really happened. True story. I suspect now that she didn't have this work done and thought of a way to buy herself some time, but still didn't do it, and ended up getting caught anyway. I can't ask her, because she'll just lie again, and if it really did happen, I don't want her to think I don't believe her, but how the hell can I at this point.

I have basically been sitting around in awe, trying to figure out what the hell I have done so wrong, and that is where I've been hiding for the last month. At one point I considered sealing up the house and turning on the gas, but I decided that wouldn't be fair to the dog, and beating her won't work because then she'll tell her dad and he'll call DFS and that will be a whole big mess that I don't have time for. So yeah, that was my month.

I have been a bad blog friend and I'm sorry for that. Thank you to the people the queried my well being, I appreciate it and should have told you sooner that I was teetering between strangling my daughter and mainlining heroin, because at this point I think at least with the heroin then I wouldn't care. So yeah, what have you been doing?

What can I say, I needed to laugh.

A sense of normalcy

2009-02-11T16:31:00.003-06:00

I don't care if that's spelled wrong. I haven't slept for two days, I'm entitled. as I attempt to return to normal life I thought I would say thank you for all of your kind words after "the incident" on Monday, so THANK YOU ALL!

I officially have nine followers now and that is really cool! I'm not as cool as some of you, but I'm working on it. I have found a couple of new blogs that I really like and so now I have added them too.

I was sitting at work today, trying to figure out how much my root canal is going to cost (I know you are jealous, don't deny it), when La-La the secretary walked in with a large vase of flowers. For those of you who aren't aware, I hate Valentines Day, but this is Wednesday, and so that made it different. I was arguing on the phone with my insurance people and I opened the card. They were from the BD.

I hung up on the dumb bitch and promptly burst into tears. He couldn't have known how much they would mean. So actually today turned out OK, I haven't committed a murder yet, so that's good too!

True F**king story

2009-02-09T22:29:00.002-06:00

As I write this I am shaking and nearly in tears. This is a true story.

Tonight Conner ask if she could ride her bike to the neighbors house to see if they would donate to jump rope for heart. We live in the middle of no where. I have three neighbors. Let me say again, this is true.

Conner was riding her bike home when she stopped to fix her pants. A car pulled up and the window rolled down. The driver of the car told her to get in. Being my polite daughter, she said "No thank you.". The driver of the car told her "Get in now.".

She rode her bike home and told me this story. I made her repeat it three times. I have no doubt it is the truth. I had a deputy in my house for an hour tonight, quizzing her and asking the same question over and over and she never wavered. It really did happen.

My daughter was almost taken tonight. She was a foot from the car. She told the deputy what they were wearing. She described the scar on the passengers face. She got half of the plate number.

I will be spending the morning at the sheriffs office so they can interview her again, but not before I seal up my house, load my gun, and hope to God I find that car.

2009-02-04T09:00:00.003-06:00

That's for my friend Luscious Jackson who actually makes me think about being Republican!

I want to shoot the stupid groundhog because frankly I am sick of the cold.

I found out last week that I am going to Disney World this year!!!!! Alone with my kids, all the sudden I'm a little scared.

My truck is still running and it damn well should be.

I'm ready to do yard work and replace the siding on my house. Yes, I'm doing it myself.

I haven't read a blog in a week and I'm going to get to work on it today!

I'm sad the Cardinals lost the SuperBowl, but glad the Steelers won, is that possible?

It is exactly 42 days until opening weekend of the tourney and I have a very big surprise for Leslie when I get to her house!

Bleach I need bleach...NOW!

2009-01-28T09:29:00.004-06:00

I have stumbled onto a new dating site. Well new to me anyway. Is this disturbing to anyone but me?

I filled out this thing on Facebook yesterday that was like a meme, it was 25 things about me. So I'm going along and I'm tagging the necessary 25 people and I tagged all of the mothers that I am friends with at the girls' school. Really didn't give it much thought. So one of the mom's walks into practice last night and we were talking and I said I tagged you on Facebook today. Her eyes got all wide and she looked at me and said "yeah, I know, I read the list".

I couldn't figure out what had shocked her so badly. Then it hit me of the 25 things I chose to share I probably should have changed number 8. Anyone who reads this blog knows the situation with the BD. Anyone who knew me before he went to prison and before he got clean probably isn't surprised. I forget that the school mom's don't fall into either of these categories.

#8 The man I love is in prison and is going to be there for awhile (like 8 1/2 more years and yes I knew him before he went in).

Oops! Sorry school mom friends.

I also found out that the reason my daughters team is getting smoked every week is because they are in the wrong division. We play with a combo team, 3rd and 4th graders. Five of the girls have never played before at all. The put us in the top tier of the fourth grade league. We got beat last Saturday 20ish to 0. That is not a lie. I am an incredibly competetive woman and it is killing me that the powers that be screwed this up for our girls. They have no chance to be competetive in this group and they will not win a game this year. I am now trying to shift to just telling them how good they played, but even my nine year old knows that when your team doesn't score a single point, it is not a good thing.

NOTE ADDED LATER: The girls play basketball, we're very mid-western!

I hope that whomever did this to them has a child sometime that ends up feeling the same way our girls do right now.

I'm not a witty girl

2009-01-27T13:53:00.003-06:00

So yeah, that's the theme today. I'm not witty, at least not today.

I didn't hardly go near my computer this weekend and yesterday, I actually had to work and then went home to do my taxes. Have I ever mentioned that I love to do my taxes because I'm obsessed with numbers and money? I am, I love taxes. What I don't love is finding out that the consulting work that I did is going to cost me more than I thought and that since I'm an independent contractor to these people, I have to do some other stupid stuff. Bottom line, it's costing more than I thought to make not a lot extra. Not very cool.

I spent Sunday at the prison. You would think I would get used to saying that, but I don't. Guess I probably should, it's only another eight years. Anyway, in these fine financial times, they have opted to close the facility where the BD is. Here is the thing and I know I've talked about this before, but bear with me, I like that place. There are no fences. There are grills and picnic tables. There is a play set for my kids. There are other kids, and it's just less than two hours from my house. The choices for where he could go amount to this: either be closer to us, but behind the fences or be farther from us in a place that's similar to where he is now. Both options suck.

I am a creature of habit and do not like change much. It took me some time to get used to this place and now, I have to do it again. This means going to visits medicated and worrying about how Kendall will react when we get there. Oh and, before anyone gets the idea to use the comment section as a place to complain about the grills and picnic areas, I will tell you right up front, I'd appreciate if you didn't.

Also, Amy said thank you to everyone who weighed in on the do all men cheat question. I personally found the answers to be interesting.

PS for JAG-i like saying for fuck sakes as much as you liked reading it!

FunDay

2009-01-23T11:06:00.002-06:00

My tooth is cracked. That is not super

My dog had the poops for two days. That was not super. She's better now, so that is super.

I am at 21 days without meat. Here is my question. I have heard that when people cut carbs out of their diet they get really cranky. Is my profound desire to have sex rooted in the subliminal idea that I haven't had meat for three weeks? Is that where this is coming from?

I had a patient that was 4'2" today. For real

I'm going to try golfing again for the first time since I had my first back surgery. Maybe it will just end with my girlfriend and I drinking beer and walking around the golf course. I'm excited! I enjoy golfing with her.

I may have actually freaked out this weekend. I'm not positive, because it was kind of wine soaked, so I hoping the the approaching weekend is much better.

I'm really not good for much today, so I am going to put this up again, because It really really makes me laugh!

Oh, I almost forgot, Amy wants to know if ALL MEN CHEAT. Not some, not a few, but every last one currently breathing on this earth. It's her question not mine!

Finally!

2009-01-20T06:18:00.002-06:00

I slept all night. I slept and I wasn't medicated or drinking.

I feel all human again today. I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact I vomited my anger all over my keyboard yesterday? I think it probably does. I have never been one to sit around and keep my mouth shut, and I think it affects my sleep.

I have always wanted to be something that I'm not which is laid back and easy going, but as I found out over at Georgies place, I'm an ! not a , or a - or even a .. I'm a big sassy !. Who knew.

I guess I'll go back to my previously scheduled activities of obsessing about my life with Amy and waiting for the tourney with Leslie and Toe. I sleep a lot better that way.

I laughed

Thanks, I'll pass

2009-01-19T09:14:00.005-06:00

Before I get to my real blog today, there is something I have to do. I promised Leslie and Amy they didn't have to listen to this anymore after last night, but you all aren't so lucky...

Jeff (Boots),

You know I have put up with your wishy washy childish bullshit for a very long time, and while I realize that is my own epic stupidity at work, you my friend suck. I DO NOT APPRECIATE the the absolute disregard for my feelings. See you never had to know anything about my feelings, except YOU INSISTED. So even though I should know better when you call me up at three in the morning and tell me you love me, I falter, I get sucked in, and I QUIT THINKING WITH A RATIONAL BRAIN. I think, no I know, the thing that pisses me off THE MOST is that I knew better. I knew it, and I fell for it anyway. I had hoped after all of these years that you had grown up, and maybe you have and this is as good as it gets, but for fuck sakes you SUCK.

Here is what we are going to do now. Since I'm not sure if you got the text message or the drunken voicemail, I'm going to pretend like you don't exist. You're not in my phone, and I made a conscious decision to not ever look at your number so I don't have it memorized. I'd like the same in return. Delete it.

In closing, let me just say that it took me a year to get OK after my last debacle, I WILL BE DAMNED if you get to tear me apart in less than a month. So help me God, if you EVER call me in the middle of the night again, I will make you regret it (more than you already do), because friend, you truly suck.

Kisses
Karen

Wow, who feels all better now!?!?

My truck only cost two grand to fix, so that was awesome! I drank entirely too much wine Friday night in celebration of the fact that it was two grand. I had a really cool chat on facebook with a friend from high school who reminded me how fabulous I was, so I had some wine to celebrate that too! I haven't slept all night in about a week, and that is always worth celebrating, so I had some wine for that. (I still haven't as of today).

My oldest had a basketball game an Saturday. She is running up and down the court with her shoe untied so when there was a whistle, I yelled for her to tie her shoe, you know so she didn't fall smooth on her face. She informed me at half time, that it was too hard to play when I was yelling at her what to do, and the coaches were telling her what to do too, so could I quit telling her what to do. I almost fell off the bleachers. Thank the lord my EH stood up for me, or I may have killed her right then. The BD called on Saturday, and I had somehow irritated him, so yeah, whatever, I went to bed, and proceeded to wake up at like three Sunday morning.

I certainly hope someone, anyone, ANYONE, had a better weekend than I did.

Oh for **** sakes

2009-01-16T09:34:00.004-06:00

It's Friday. It's supposed to be a great day. Did no one get that memo? (I mean you mother nature)

1. I'm trying to convince my freinds to sign up so they can leave comments. I mean since Tiffany broke up with me, I have to look else where.

2. I haven't eaten meat for two weeks. Last night I had a dream that I was at Taco Bell gorging myself with beef burritos. I haven't woken up that happy and alone in quite sometime.

3. I had Italian bread with butter that I was dipping in Ceasar dressing. I had it for breakfast.

4. We were supposed to have a dusting of snow. LIARS! We currently have 4 inches and it's still blizzard like. Can we take bets on how long it will take to get home tonight.

5. Speaking of getting home, my truck chose today to fall apart. Luckily it did it before I passed the dealership. Score. I even got a loaner. Double score. They called within an hour. Rockstar. By bill is over $1700 and I'm not sure the hemorrhaging isn't over yet. Crash and fucking burn. The only good news from Ford is that it will be done today.

6. Caroline, the WE LOVE THE PENIS line has been in the header for awhile. I put it there because JAG thought I was a man, then a woman, then a man again, and then I think a lesbian. I could have the order wrong. I thought it would help answer the "Are you Lesbians" question.

7. I love Jill and Dana and Toe and Melissa and Scarlet's ideas for chapter titles for the book I think I'm going to write.

8. Tasha is having a contest. Go check it out. The prize is a really great book!

9. I think I have a tooth that is cracked. That too is really awesome.

10. Looks like I'll be drinking boxed wine and natty light for awhile.

11. KathiD, the panties were super cute, but drove me completely insane. I do that about every six months. Think I want to go back to wearing them and then I have a day like that and I remember why I hate the so. So yeah, that is over again.

I have to go now. Ford is calling again.

It's old, but t makes me giggle. It reminds me of Hutch.

It seems so obvious

2009-01-15T08:54:00.004-06:00

There a couple of other chapters in the book like

He's not into you if he's disappearing.

Obvious right? Not really. When The BD was living with me a week after our daughter was born he invited a bunch of our friends over to see the baby. He made dinner, he bought wine, he said he was going over to his friends house to pick something up and he would be back in an hour. He was gone a week. No phone call, no nothing. I blame this on my hormones that I even cared that he wasn't dead. Well that and the fact that if was going to die, I felt it was only fair that it be at my hands. I have always wanted to run away, but ya know, I never have. I have always had the decency to tell my partner "Hey you suck, I'm outta here" cause I'm sweet like that.

He's a selfish jerk, bully or freak

Again, obvious right? Again, not really. I dated a guy in college who thought it would be cute to throw me up against a wall. I was 19 when that happened, and I had the good sense to get to steppin. When I was 34 I got into a little disagreement about a cell phone. I wanted it, he didn't think I needed to touch it, I thought he was stupid, he thought I was a bitch (you get the picture). When I finally got the cell phone and ran down the hall, he came barrelling up behind me and grabbed me. Knowing full well that there was no way I could get away from him I did the only thing I could do, I rammed him into the door about three times and took off running. Now had I done the SMART thing at that point, called the police, he would have been gone right then and there. Sadly, I had decided to sell my dignity so I wouldn't have to be alone. I didn't call and it took another four long painful months to get him the hell out. Really big freaks and abusers should always be avoided.

I have read this book five times in the last four years. Every. Single. Time. I remember why I have to read it again. I don't pay attention. I make excuse for my bad judgement and choices. When I decided last year to abstain from sex, the entire idea was to quit getting sucked up into a vortex of sheer stupidity. To get OK with the fact that I was alone. To really get OK with it. I told Leslie yesterday...

I will not base my self worth on a phone call or a text message, and I will not be made to feel badly about my self because I didn't get them. I am not going to do it any-fucking-more. I'm better than this and I know it.

We are that bandwagon now. I would like to say I'm cured, but I'm not. like with any addiction, it won't ever go anyway. I will never NOT answer the phone in the middle of the night. I doubt seriously that I will ever NOT continue to pick the shadiest of characters. My EH was a cocaine addict, my BD was a meth addict, and the dog/steroid dealer, well that is kind of self explanatory. I guess I'm not a lot different from them, and certainly not any smarter.

There was another book written called "Be Honest you're not really that into him either." It was stupid, I hated it. Someone needs to write a book with chapters like

He sucks if he makes you cry
He sucks if you catch an STD
He sucks if he's a whiny crybaby narcissist
He sucks if he is a rude demanding slob
He sucks if he eats all of your food
He sucks if he never ever ever pays
He sucks if knocks up another woman while you are pregnant
He sucks if he knocks another woman up while you are dating
He sucks if he drinks your whiskey and doesn't buy more
He sucks if he borrows money and doesn't pay you back
He sucks if he asks for money...ever
He sucks if he can't explain himself
He sucks if he's in prison
He sucks if he won't choose you over his booze/drugs/women
He sucks if he can't do what he says he's going to
and the single most important chapter
He sucks if you only have sex when he wants to

Add your own, I'd love to hear them!

Guilty with a giant G

2009-01-14T09:43:00.004-06:00

This is going to be the hardest part of the book to discuss because sadly, this is where I stumble the most, and I am also the guiltiest. (is that a word) Today we're going to tackle he's not into you if...

He's having sex with someone else.

I guess it's pretty obvious that if a man is having sex with someone other than you, he's not REALLY into you. How do I know this you ask? Because I've had it happen. A couple of times. The thing is, and I don't think men get this, it would be so much fucking easier if you would simply state the obvious. Hell it would even be preferred if you just fucking vaporized (OK not everyone will agree with that). But when you get stupid enough, or careless enough, or just plain thoughtless enough to get caught, then we have to contend with my ego. There is absolutely nothing in this world that I hate more than being made to look stupid. I work hard. I am a well spoken, educated woman (not that you'd know that from reading this blog). I will be damned if I'm going to allow everyone under the sun to have a giggle on my tab because you've been bangin someone else behind my back. The problem with cheating is that not only are there diseases, but it's terribly insulting to any person (men included).

I'd love to tell you that I have never juggled men, but that'd be a big fat lie. I will say that as I have gotten older, I've tried not to. For one thing it's extremely tiring, and secondly my memory is failing and it gets too hard keeping my stories straight.

He's not dating you.

I hate labels. I prefer the concept of hanging out. My boss says it's my own special way of keeping my expectations low so I don't get hurt. But according to these people hanging out is not dating and therefore is not good enough for any self respecting woman. Maybe my boss is right, if I'm not really "dating" a guy then I'm not really getting dumped or having to dump him. Maybe hanging out is the easy way around it. who knows. I do know this, Amy, Leslie, and I are the worlds greatest hanger outers. I hang out great. I haven't dated in so long that I may crash and burn miserably and I hate failure.

He only wants to see you when he's drunk.

Of all of the topics in this book this is the one that I relate to the most. It was at this point in the book that I suddenly had to reevaluate every single man in my life except for my dad. I believe the clinical term for these particular men are booty calls. Actually I guess they are booty callers as I would be the booty call. I could write forever and defend this practice, but in reality, the reality that I have only recently embraced, men who call at 3 in the morning every other Friday night have no interest in you for anything other than sex. If they did, they would take you to the bar with them. The sad fact is that sometimes the middle of the night phone call is cute. Sometimes it's flattering. Sometimes, it's the much needed ego stroke. But it is always, everyday and twice on Sundays, not coming from a man who is totally crazy about you because (and this is hard for me to admit) if he were crazy about you he would call when both of you were coherent. Not one shitfaced and the other sleeping.

I have been known to make these phone calls, hell I did it on New Years Eve, but ultimately I would much rather talk to a man when I'm not and he's not wasted. Because if I can't have any sort of conversation with you when I'm sober then frankly I'd prefer you go away sooner rather than later.

On a side note, Amy comes home from Hong Kong tomorrow and I am pretty stoked about this. It is only 64 days until opening weekend of the tournament, and I wore panties to work today. For the first time in like a year and a half, and I remember now why I don't wear them. I hate them. Sorry if that's TMI.

The tell tale signs

2009-01-13T11:59:00.000-06:00

Or part 2. Now I do wish to say that I realize that not all marriages are boring, I mean really who could be bored being married to some of you ladies. It was a broad spectrum observation. (translation: I sucked at being married)

Moving on. When I first read the book, I spent most of the time going "Oh, no" or "Oh, wow". At no point did I ever get to say "Gee, glad that's never happened to me". I have fallen victim on more than one occasion. That isn't entirely true, I have failed to heed the warnings, that's a more accurate statement.

One of the points is that "If he isn't all yours then he is hers". It took me along LONG time to realize that playing second fiddle to a 25 year old that cheated and left sucked. The dog/steroid dealer used to sit in my living room, on a phone that I paid for , and tell his ex her loved her. Not in front of me of course, but I overheard it. It took a friend asking me "When did you loose the pants in this relationship?" to make me realize that I was getting the short end of the proverbial stick. I had been miserable for so long, and not wanting to be alone, I put up with his nonsense. It was that very day, that day the question was asked, that I decided that I was not going to put up with it anymore. I told him that he had to choose between she and I. That to stay here and stay in this relationship, she had to go. I decided that I would rather be alone than be someones second choice. SOOO glad I did. My fear of being alone was allowing me to be in a miserable excuse for a relationship and thank God it's over.

My other big stumbling point is the if he's not calling, he's not into you concept. I am a real big sucker on this one. My mom never told me I couldn't call boys. Truth is, I never really wanted to or had to, it just kind of happened. I should have seen the writing on the wall. I approached my ex-husband, we see how that ended. When it came to the BD, it was completely out of control. I went after the last one too. In retrospect, I wish I would have subscribed to this one rule above all else. The book makes several good points about if a man wants to talk to you or see you he will make it happen. They should teach this crap in school. With the proliferation of cell phones, one would think that at any point if he wants to contact you he can, so why is this so hard (for me) to grasp? I'm working on this one.

I would dive right into the concept of is he's not sleeping with you he's not into you, but I stumble here too. Sadly, and I am horrifically guilty of this one. Some people (me on occassion) equate having sex with having feelings. Being who I am, I get that this is not always the case. Unfortunately I have had sex with people I couldn't have given two shits about. I'm not proud of this, but it has happened. This whole idea feels like a double edged sword. I guess in the perfect world people wouldn't be so glib and nonchalant about jumping into the sack with the first available partner. In fact, I would say, although my friends will argue that I don't really believe this, that sex should be the last thing on the agenda. Maybe this has something to do with my singleness.

I read this book again last night and continue to giggle at myself. It is a wonder that I have ever had any relationship that worked for any amount of time because as I type this, I am having trouble picking ONE of them that didn't hit on at least one if not more of the topics.

Who's having a small epiphany this week?

Part 1

2009-01-12T16:07:00.004-06:00

As promised last week we are going to have a dissection. We are going to address the book He's Just Not That Into You. I love this book and instead of feeling badly about myself when I read it, (the first four times) it actually made me giggle. With the exception of one chapter, I am crazy guilty of every other one. Today I am going to talk about the one single thing that I don't have a problem with.

Chapter 7 He's not into you if he doesn't want to marry you. (or some variation on that) Here's the thing. I was married once. I didn't hate him then and I don't hate him now (very often). It was quite possibly the longest three years three months and five days of my entire life. I have never witnessed such a destruction of happiness. It wasn't his fault entirely and if I'm being truthful, I was the one who asked for it. I wanted it. I wasn't about to take no for an answer. I wasn't a good wife and he wasn't a good husband, and that friends makes for a not good marriage.

I tell you this because while I desire to have a long term committed relationship when I grow up, I am not real sure that I ever want to sign that piece of paper again. I was discussing this topic with Luscious and she made a really good point: If you are with someone and that's what they need to make them happy, then shouldn't you be open to it? A very fine point.

My theory is just the opposite. If, for whatever reason, I am adamantly opposed to marriage then shouldn't the man in my life want to make me happy and let me have it my way? Does my desire to stay technically single in the confines of a monogamous, committed relationship mean I'm not into him? I don't think so.

In the three primary relationships since my divorce I have been REALLY upfront about this. I haven't ever wanted to talk about marriage, but have gotten sucked into the topic on more than one occasion and it has always (once removed) ended the same way, I give in to whatever the opinion of the man involved is. I remember trying to explain to the BD one time that I didn't need a piece of paper to define my relationship for me. He said it was because I wanted to cheat, that's what meth will do for ya.

I have lots of friends that are married, and for the most part they seem happy. But here is the thing, I don't ever want to be bored or be boring the person I love again. It truly sucks. I genuinely believe that once that little piece of paper is signed there is a fundamental change in the dynamics of the relationship, and not necessarily in a good way. I want to WANT to spend time with someone. I WANT to get excited when that person calls or texts or comes by unannounced. I want to FEEL wanted and sadly that is not how I recall marriage feeling.

I think that every single person is entitled, right up there with life , liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, to be absolutely crazy about another person. I just don't think it has to end in marriage.

IT's Friday!!!!

2009-01-09T08:39:00.005-06:00

Starting next week we are going to have a series on one of my favorite books of all time.

I even have the daily affirmation book that I read every so often, because sometimes I seem to get confused. Until then though, I'll just have to hand out random observations.

1. OU f**king lost. I don't particularly care, but I hate that The Gators won. I know there are some of you (Ellie) that were pulling for Florida, but I'm just saying, OU lost.

2. A man, with a pulse, paid for a meal, that I ate, and it wasn't my birthday. I'll give you a second here. You may not believe this, but I do not REMEMBER the last time that happened.I'm thinking fall of 2006, but I could be wrong.

3. I just reread the text messages that Leslie and I exchanged during the game last not and actually started crying I was laughing so hard.

4. I may have mentioned this before, but I'm going to mention it again. All cell phones should be equipped with a breathalyzer to prevent a person from making phone calls when they are inebriated. I'll take it a step further, it should also apply to text messages. I say this because I am a giant offender at this.

5. It's supposed to be 60 and I wish it would just be winter so it could end already.

6. I hate Valentines day. It is nothing more than a drummed up excuse for Hallmark and Russel Stovers to take everyones money. A woman can only be one of two people on that day. Either she's the bitch that gets the roses and gushes about how great her husband/boyfriend is and they go out and have a great dinner with beautiful wine and go home and make love and all that great shit, or she's me. I took that Friday off so that I can not be subjected to this shit at work again this year.

7. Has anyone noticed the day before Satan's Holiday is Friday the 13th? Can I tell you how hilarious I find that.

8. Amy called me from Hong Kong last night, that was kind of cool. She's half way around the world. That's not too cool.

9. I called Hong Kong this morning and couldn't communicate with the clerk. I think she was jacking with me.

10. I've done so little work today that it should be illegal to be me.

11. If you want a good laugh, read this book.

12. Jose Cuervo you are a friend of mine! I get one radio station in my office and that song just came on. I think I will pour Drano in my cup next instead of DDP.

13. Lastly. I am going to ask for help. I need someone, anyone, who isn't afraid of me, to explain google analytics to me. It's sad really. They trust me with radiation, and I can't even find this thing.

It would be Friday without a video. If you haven't seen Step-Brothers yet you need to.

Step Brothers: Boats n Hoes Music Video (EXPLICIT AND UNCUT) by Will Ferrell

As the end draws near...

2009-01-08T16:54:00.003-06:00

Tonight is the night that I wait for all year long. I know some people love the Super Bowl, but I suspect that's because they keep hoping to see nipple again. Some people (who I shouldn't have to name) live for the Final Four. I live to watch the Champion Game in college football. I like the Final Four and I will watch the Super Bowl, but nothing does it for me more than tonight's game. I'll be weepy ten minutes before kick off.

I remember when the Orange Bowl was the end all be all of bowl games (alright except for maybe the Rose Bowl, but I am biased). When Tom Osborne showed guts going for two and lost in Miami. I still feel little strings tug at my heart when I think back to that night. What I am hoping for is that OU puts a serious fucking hurtin on Florida. It's no secret that I bleed Husker Red but at this point in the season ANYONE who roots for a Big 12 team should step up and pull for OU.

The other reason I love this so much is that it allows me to look forward to next year. When things will be different. I was told at lunch today that KU would be "great" next year. Of course Boots is only one player (Jeremy Maclin) away from watching his beloved Tigers go 0-fer conference play. There is hope in Husker nation again. I for one can not WAIT!

Thanks again for taking me to lunch. I'll be shocked if my phone doesn't ring at 2 in the morning.

Finally to Leslie, I wish herpes on all of their grandmothers and frankly I will take the time to write each of them individually if OU wins. IN-DI-VID-U-A-LLY.

For those of you who couldn't care less about football, take heart, Conference basketball play starts this weekend and Leslie will take over form there!

Leslie

2009-01-05T23:23:00.002-06:00

I met Leslie through the strangest of circumstance.

She was seeing a man that lived with the BD, although at the time I was still pregnant. I had no idea that house hunting would be so fulfilling.

Leslie had a relationship that rivaled mine in shityness. I didn't know it at the time, but it was. I remember being in a drive through in Parsons Kansas talking to her on the phone about a car that had been seen at the "Hotel California".(The moniker that we gave to the boys' house)and trying to decide if I wanted to tell her what I knew. I'm so glad I did.

I wasn't sure that I could trust her and I know she didn't think she could trust me. It took time for us to realise that we were living similar lives and we didn't want to. Only after some instances did it come to light that we had much more in common than just our shitty love lives.

Interestingly, if you read the "Amy" post, Leslie is an only child too. We relate in a much different way than Amy and I.

Leslie and I are fundamentally more alike. We want to have the quintessential good guy, but we can't seem to pick him. Leslie and I think very much the same on politics and sports. She was the woman that bathed my daughter when I couldn't. Leslie is quite possibly the yin to my yang. Leslie is me only better. She is the only person that I could tell that UNC lost and would truly appreciate it.

I would love to tell you all that I am great and super and fabulous. The truth of the matter is this, I am only as good as the sum of my parts. I can't begin to imagine my life without Leslie or Amy.

New Year? New Crazy!

2009-01-05T09:38:00.003-06:00

Last year I gave up sex for my New Years Resolution. It really wasn't all that hard as I am single and live in the middle of no where any way. Sadly I did not accomplish that goal as you may or may not know. How does one follow up a 51 week in the making failure? I gave up meat.

All meat. Beef, chicken, turkey, pork, bacon (yes, it gets special mention). I have decided to see if I can go a full year. The only thing that didn't get banned is fish. I realise this is borderline cheating, but it's my resolution and I make the rules. With that said, anyone have any ideas how I can keep from eating my own arm?

UNC lost last night. Regular readers of this blog will remember the tourney last year when both Leslie and I really honed our hatred for Gay Wad Douche Bag and the Tar Heels. I have to say that I'm more tickled than usual since all I have heard for the last six weeks is how they are going to run the table, they are unbeatable, how they are just the greatest thing since wonder bread and miracle whip. News flash sports asses, they play they games for a reason. I know the will probably still win the ACC, but, to quote Leslie "I have chicken skin and I may be weepy. I'm going to write a letter.".

Peyton lost, that's always super and now there is a super sweet rumor that Brady may not be back even next year. Could SOMEONE please get Bernard Pollards address so I can hand deliver the thank you note.

As I type this I feel compelled to go back to the meat thing. This isn't for health reasons entirely. If it were for my health, I could start with not smoking like a four alarm fire and not drinking my weight in beer a couple of times a week. It's not health, it's a test of my will. A giant, painful, slightly masochistic form of testing my will power.(I can quit thinking about a cheeseburger).

I have been put in charge of the weight loss challenge at work for this fine new year. As you may remember, last spring I lost 28 pounds. Given how much I eat and how much I like beer I have put about 15 back on and so today we have started the big weight game and I get to keep track of everyone. What's in it for me you ask, well, I'll tell you. It's a cash pot for the winner. Money for the person who loses the highest percentage of weight. I'm poor, I want the money. I want I want I want. I want the abs I had 8 months ago! We'll see.

Amy bought some really sweet Ed Hardy pants, and sadly for her they didn't fit. She bought them on Ebay I think and couldn't return them. For once in my life the fact that I am three inches shorter than her but two inches taller and 40 pounds heavier than Leslie really paid off. The pants would have totally fallen off of Leslie, so I got them and they are fabulous and I live in pants at home, Big shout out to Amy for being taller than I am!

Amy

2009-01-04T22:42:00.004-06:00

Several months ago I wrote a post and referenced Amy. I don't think I have ever fully explained her.

I met Amy after my divorce but prior to my pregnancy. I knew her at work and I knew that she was getting married. That was about all I knew. In the days, months, years to come I learned she was much more.

Amy and I come from similar backgrounds. We are only children. We have man issues. We have bunches in common. But in previous years it's the things that we don't have in common that make me love her more...let me count the ways.

1. She is significantly stronger than I am. If you have heard Leslie's shit storm story then you know what I mean.

2. She means it. You very rarlely have to guess what she thinks about something. Nine times out of ten she will tell you precisely where she stands.

3. She has learned to forgive my faults. I am not a perfect woman, friend, or person, but she has learned to love me just the same.

4. I have no siblings. I suspect that the relationship that we have is as close to sibling as I will ever get. I know that I love her and she loves me, but there are times that we don't see eye to eye. That's my closest guess for siblings.

5. Finally. I know that regardless of how insane (BD, Boots) my life gets, she will tell me. She thinks with the other half of my brain and vice versa.

Boots

2009-01-03T18:52:00.006-06:00

So I went home for New Years to spend the day doing my favorite things...ball, cards, friends, beer, smokes. Amy was sick so that sucked and Leslie and I weren't sure we'd see midnight. At some point about beer three I broach this subject....the friend with benefits.

I think Leslie was concerned I would get hurt. In years past this would have been a valid concern, but after five years I get the writing on the wall and think I might have written most of it. It's nothing and I like it that way.

So I proceed to explain to Leslie, on about beer five that fucking **** is like going shoe shopping. I love to shoe shop. I love shoes. However the sad fact is that I don't need anymore shoes and frankly right now I can't afford anymore shoes and even if I did buy them, I would only bring them home and the dog would chew them up. In my way of thinking (stupor and all) I can try on shoes but there is no point in buying them.

The next day when I was driving home I was talking to Amy and relating this conversation. In perfect rhythm she asks "What kind of shoes is he?" The resulting conversation went something like this...

Mind you I had had about two hours of sleep and just left the state prison after seeing the BD....

me-He's comfortable
Amy-Well it's not like he's Manolos

me-Jesus, no, I can only wear those for about an hour, He's not even my 4 inch stacked Mary Jane's. He's way more comfortable than that. I mean for God sakes I've been doing this for five years.
Amy-He's like boots
me-No shit, all furry and shit

Amy-See Manolos aren't appropriate for every occasion and neither are boots. They are seasonal.
me-(now laughing hysterically)No shit. Funny he is kind of a winter sport!
Amy-He's Uggs. He's fucking Uggs
me-Is it bad that I just left prison and I happen to have my Uggs on?
Amy-Jesus, no, it's funny

And so Boots was born. I have no intention of telling him that's his nickname, but I will giggle everytime I put them on, and I have three pairs!

Thoughts for a New Year

2008-12-29T12:14:00.003-06:00

Why oh why did Slick ditch his blog, that man was hilarious and now I will have to stalk the rest of you more frequently.

I hadn't hardly touched a computer while I was on vacation last week and up until I walked into work today. Why? Because I get email on my "phone of the gods" and consequently don't "have" to check it anymore. I do promise that before New Years I will get caught up. I have to see what everyone got.

I got this little nugget from a friend of mine that I had not seen in years. A bunch of girls from high school got together Friday night and drank and laughed and frankly I almost wet myself when she played this.

I'm still laughing. What can I say, I'm just that way. And sadly I fell a few days short of last years New Years resolution. Damn boys and their stupid boy penises.

A mystery revealed

2008-12-18T08:52:00.003-06:00

It is no big secret that I am fanatical about sports. I'm less fanatical about beer, but not by much. I grew up in a house where those two things were staples to most everyday activities. I lived in Oklahoma at the height of the Barry Switzer era. I watched Wayman Tisdale play ball from the second row on more than one occasion. I was there that fateful day in Norman when KU beat the mighty Sooners on their home field. I was also there a when they put a hurtin on Colorado like I had never seen. I saw the Cowboys blow the Superbowl when I was about 8 and I have hated them every minute of everyday since then. I watched the 1988 tournament. You know the one I'm talking about, when KU and OU played for the title. When OU was a much better team, but couldn't stop Manning and the Miracles. I watched and my Dad taped it.

My Dad worked in the oil fields in Oklahoma during the boom in the eighties. He did very well for us. He knew people that knew people that would call when they didn't want their tickets, and he always took me. When "the game" was on, I was always welcome to watch it, even though I wasn't allowed to say much or ask questions, I was allowed to be there.

I started playing softball when I was five. I played every spring, summer and fall until I was fourteen. I played in Nationals. I played in the USSA World tournament twice and I played for a team that did nothing but play tournaments. We were a hand picked team that was expected to win. I started playing basketball when I was in 7th grade. I was tall and athletic and really pretty good at it. I played until I moved to Hutchinson in the middle of my sophomore year. In all I'll bet I played in close to a thousand games in those two sports. Wanna take a guess how many my dad watched? Five.

This is not a blog about poor poor me, my daddy didn't love me whaa whaa whaa. My dad was a raging alcoholic and that was the single most important thing in his life right up until I was about 25. I got my love of sports from my dad. My love of Nebraska and my love of the Chiefs. They all came from him. For what ever else he didn't give me, he gave me that. To this day it is one of the few things that I can sit and engage that man in an actual conversation. Even though he has been sober for ten years, he is still a man of few words. Sports are the singular topic that I can chat with him about. Once in a great while about money or if the girls are sick, but since I have no money and I don't have Munchausen by Proxy those topics don't come up often.

I know that my dad loves me and he always did. There was just a time in my life when the only way to spend time with him was "watching the game" and as an adult, I still "watch the game" just so I know that if he calls and wants to talk about it, I will be able to.

Can you smell it, because I sure can

2008-12-17T10:18:00.003-06:00

It's that time of year friends. It's almost here and I am so entirely giddy that I can barely think and not openly curse my patients when they don't listen. It's almost time. It's almost here.

What am I talking about you ask? It's almost bowl week! It's almost "be hungover for four days in a row" week. It's "get drunk enough that I won't want to drink for the entire month of January" week. It's "try not to let Amy get her ass kicked every time we step out the door" week. It's "try to keep Karen sober enough that she won't puke in the actual bar" week. It's "hopefully Leslie will meet a cute man who has never worn orange" week. OK It's really like a three day bender interspersed with a ton of football and maybe a basketball a game or two. I have 48 hours until I depart for the party, but do know that I'm giddy.

I finally got my wish yesterday. They cancelled the Christmas program and before I could get fully happy they said it was going to be tonight. I think that might even be more inconvenient. Oh well, I'm a parent, I have no choice. Which brings me to the next problem. I hate Christmas music, well unless it's this kind of Christmas music.

I like that type of Christmas music. So in closing this blog today let me remind you all that I am NOT a Lesbian (see under the title). Leslie and I are not lesbian lovers, although I don't blame you for imagining pillow fights in underwear as we are both wildly attractive and yes, my BD is in prison, what can I say. I'm that kind of girl!

I'm working on a New Years Plan that will remain secret until the 1st, however if you can guess what it is, there will be prises!

Little bit of this, little bit of that

2008-12-16T08:41:00.007-06:00

Ok, so for Halloween, I went home to see the family and hang out with the ladies. As some of you will remember it was WS time, and so naturally Leslie and I were watching the game. Sadly I forgot to upload the picture of me wearing my rally cap.

I look like a complete toad in this one

Of course when the game was over, DJ Leslie and I decided some tunes would be appropriate for a little dance party USA.

Have I mentioned that I can't dance? Yes I know I'm sitting on the floor, that is where my dancing is least offensive.

I'm going home again this weekend. One can always hope it's a repeat performance!

Moving on to other things. Here is the picture of my haul from SSS.

Again, LOVE IT!

It is snowing like a freak show here this morning and evidentally the school is not going to cancel the Christmas program tonight. I guess the spirit of the season is in full swing over there. If it doesn't stop snowing soon, I may have to simply refuse to go.

Driving Observation

2008-12-15T15:44:00.003-06:00

If you own a brand new Ford Mustang GT like the one below....can I ask one itty bitty favor? Please be able to f**king drive it!

I love surprises!

2008-12-15T08:41:00.002-06:00

So Saturday after running all over hell's half acre going to games and to parties and making my daughter mad and getting mad at the other daughter and being STUPID enough to think I could brave Toys R Us on a Saturday right before Christmas I got home to find a box on my front porch. I love boxes. I love everything about them. So I run in the house I rip it open and its from my Secret Santa that I joined over at Gerogies place.

Please not that I forgot to upload the pictures before I left for work today, so for right now the description will have to do. I got the new JK Rowling book that ties into Harry Potter! I would have never bought it for myself, but I was really excited to see it. I got candy and a McDonald's gift card and a little plaque that essentially sums up my thought on life, and finally a Christmas ornament.

To my secret Santa: Thank you so much for the obviously well thought out gifts. The little song you sent really cracked me up as well. You obviously spent some time picking these things out and I want you to know I really loved all of them! (Don't tell anyone, but I might have idea who it is, I have to go check a couple of things out first though)

Moving on. I finally finished my latest sewing project.

I can't honestly tell you I will be doing another one of these anytime soon, but it did turn out really cool. I think after Christmas I'm going to make some more bags for some special people. Yes that might mean you you little lurker who doesn't comment. We'll see how I feel when....I HAVE FOUR DAYS WITHOUT CHILDREN!!!!!

For those of you who have children and particularly anyone who has ever been a single parent, this is big shit. I love my children, but I have to have a break now and then. That break is coming in a big way. I a perfect world I'd clean closest and wax floors and you know, take care of the house. In my world, I will most likely do nothing but drink too much on the weekend and watch Tivo. Sometimes, I wish I were that girl, but I'm just not, although, I should be honest and say most of the time I'm glad I'm not.

How could I forget....

2008-12-12T09:05:00.005-06:00

So during the trauma that was the trip to the ER I totally forgot to tell you about the lunch with The Sugarplum Fairy! Every year I take the girls to the Kansas City Ballet (I have some culture) to see The Nutcracker. This year we decided to go to the Sugarplum Fairy Lunch.

I thought it would be lots of pretty things and food, mainly I thought about the food, but when we got there, it turns out it's a fundraiser for the KCB. I am not rich enough to be going to fundraisers for anyone but myself. Anyway. I finally decide that we will buy raffle tickets and that will be our contribution.

They had an American girl doll and play set, that I would have killed for. They had a wii which I didn't care about. They had a digital camera and digital frame that came in a Vera Bradley bag which would have been cool, but didn't really care about and they had a Panda Bear. A very large MINK Panda Bear. An very large $800 Mink Panda Bear. Now I am no supporter of PETA, but fur kind of freaks me out. I have never owed anything that was real fur, because I just never did. So we're sitting at lunch and they are announcing the winners and the last hing to be given away is this bear. Want to guess what happened next?

I was going to write today about how weird and strange that gas is $1.33 here today and how the hell is that possible. I also planned to discuss openly my theories on this and other topics, but then I decided what a fucking kill-joy that would be on a Friday. Instead, I decided to write about the ballet and what the hell am I supposed to do with a mink Panda bear?

It's Friday. No one said I had culture everyday.

Ghetto Gyno starring Mike Epps and Ron Livingston by Ice Cube

I'm ready for spring

2008-12-10T13:23:00.003-06:00

In my on going quest to simply get through the holidays, here is another entry in to the ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME chapter of my life.

I woke up Sunday fairly certain I was dying. The BD called and said they were going to CLOSE the facility he is at and that he would have to move and that would most certainly mean moving somewhere with fences. I am not excited by this prospect, but I will cover it more thoroughly another time.

Con had a game at three, so I pry my self and my snot filled head off the couch and off we go to the game. They got beat, it was not pretty. It also happened to coincide with the Chiefs/Broncos game and that pissed me off. Finally at 5:30 we get home and I decide that I'm going to do some outside work that I have to have done by the 19th and try to get rid of the massive headache I had.

You should all probably know that Sunday is a big beer day for me and the only reason I wasn't drinking this Sunday was because I was dying and I had to drive to the game. Moving on. I sit down at the computer, not more than ten seconds later, I hear it. The loud thud and the even louder scream. I wwent running to find my little girl with bloood pouring out of her face and her sister insisting that she hadn't done it. Have I mentioned that I hate the ER.

Apparently the last 478,000 times I've told her not to run in the house, she could get hurt went in one ear and out the other because she was running down the hall and tripped when she went into my room and hit her face on my footboard. At which point her tooth put a whole in her lip. I forget, did I mention how I HATE THE ER.

It only took three and a half hours to get that stitched up and a trip for food and this and that and bullshit. Then, last night we had tickets to see the Cheetah Girls, and mother fucking nature thought it was a great day to dump snow on the stupiest city in the world and the interstates looked like parking lots and there were wrecks everywhere, and it took me almost two hours to get home. We didn't go. I ate the tickets. (figuartively, not literally).

Is it spring yet.

It is christmas after all

2008-12-04T13:27:00.002-06:00

KathiD made a request on my previous post. Because I am who I am, here you go!

Whatever, I do what I want!

Oh how I love thee....

2008-12-04T09:44:00.003-06:00

let me count the ways...

When someone is looking for me, you delicately let me know. You never let me over sleep. If it's not important, you don't bother me with it right away. If it is you speak up immediately. You love my kids and they love you. You are incredibly handsome, and you are comfortable enough in you man-ness that you aren't afraid to wear pink.

I love you Charlie

In other news, I finally got through all, ALL, of the unread blogs. I couldn't comment on them all, but I did finally push through.

If you haven't seen stepbrothers, you need to. Do not get on the comments and talk about how stupid it is. That's precisely why you have to see it. When it came out Leslie was watching it before I got home and kept texting the one liners. It is simply fucking hilarious, and I needed it.

I have identified the source of my funk, and I'm shocked it didn't occur to me earlier, but now that I have acknowledged it, maybe it will go away.

I am kind of stoked for New Years Eve. Why you ask, because Leslie and I are going to drink beer, watch football, smoke cigarettes, play scene it and probably watch Stepbrothers again. Did everyone notice there was not mention of bars, sweet baby Jesus, I'm excited!

Authors note: I wanted to put up the Stepbrothers trailer, but there is something wrong with youtube, so I found this instead.

Just an observation

2008-12-03T12:04:00.002-06:00

Moms of players who dunk should not turn around to the crowd and say "that's my son!" when her son's team are the visitors. Then again maybe she's looking to get shot.

Just a little

2008-12-01T13:23:00.002-06:00

As I stare down the 200th post for our blog (not my 200th since I haven't written them all) I had been really having a hard time trying to think of things to write about. I could write about the fact that one of the dogs that I actually helped birth died. I could write about the fact that I didn't know why and really wanted too, but to find out I would have to swallow my pride and call the dog/steroids dealer ex of mine and seeings as I already have one ex in my life, I really wanted to avoid that if I could. In the end, curiosity got the best of me (that and about a twelve pack)and I called and I found out that my favorite dog had gotten out of his kennel and killed her while ex was at work. I could have told you that.

I could have told everyone that I spent the entire two hour drive to see the BD in prison crying because I was spending Thanksgiving in a prison. Then I would also have to tell you that I remembered that it was MY choice to do that and therefore I relinquished the right to fucking bawl baby around. I would have to mention though that I got the most amazing card, and that kind of made up for the location.

I should probably go ahead and admit that I got a new Blackberry. It's pink. It's pretty. It's a total time suck and I love it. Her name is Charlie.

I already told everyone I had to face the fact the SM (The step-mom)is really a pretty cool person and probably if I'm really honest way cooler than I am.

What I think I'm going to tell everyone is this. I hate the holidays. If it weren't for the fact that I had children, I seriously would not celebrate them at all. I am happier being alone on my couch watching football. I think the commercialization of Christmas has completely worn me out, and again, only because I have children do I have a tree. I come from an extremely small family and we don't have traditional holidays anyway. There are five of us and three of us live in my house. I truly believe that this is at least part of why Leslie, Amy and I are friends like we are. We like solitude. The holidays are a total slap in the face to solitude, and I don't like them. I find it odd that I don't here from people all year, but I feel compelled to mail a Christmas card every year. What a lot of work. While I have slacked on reading my blogs during this time, I still care more about what meme Wayne sent or how Kathid found a resort that allows animals at the tables than I am about my fifth cousin twice removed.

I guess the truth of the matter is that this time of year, I'm just in a funk. I want the thrill of the playoffs and the madness that is March, not the madness that is trying not to get trampled at Wal-Mart. I'm ready for spring and it's only December 1st.

I swear I'm going to get through the blog list this week. Honest!

I am thankful for....

2008-11-27T21:04:00.002-06:00

The list is long, but here we go.

I have the best friends in the world. Five of them I know, most of them I don't. I have grown accustomed to most of you and I like you.

I have 229 unread blogs. I have, was having, a crisis of conscience.

Let me be more specific. There are concrete things in my life that I am thankful for. Some of them I discuss, some of them I don't. I'm going to take a second to address the things that I do discuss, than I am going to tell a story.

I have the most amazing friends. These people have held my hands and witnessed really shitty things. They still choose to be my friends and I love them for that. I have a man that loves me. He's not perfect, but he is who he is and I have always loved him and for his forgiveness and mine I am thankful. I have the most beautiful children. The fact that I am their mother scares me. But none of these things, not a one, am I more grateful for than the following conversation.

Side note: No quote

Me: Hey, I got Conner an ipod for Christmas
Her: She'll love that
Me: Well "he" asked and I just wanted to let you guys know.
Her: Can I ask what you're doing for Thanksgiving?
Me: We're going to see Matt
Her: Can I tell you something
Me: Sure
her: I'm so proud of you
Me: Why? (with fear)
Her: You were honest.

I will tell you now that this person, this woman, told me things about her family that she never had to share. She told stories, as did I, that people like us don't share. She trusted me again and I have chosen to trust her again. I can tell you these types of conversation have happened three times in seven years.

It turns out that "her" father is also a convict, For different reasons, but still. She has gone through exactly what I am trying to feel my way through and she made it. I could tell you how amazing she is, but it couldn't do her justice.

There are very few people in life that like or admire their ex-spouses choice of partners I am lucky enough to know that under different circumstances, she probably would have been my friend. She adores my daughter. She, and only she, makes my ex-husband happy.

So tonight I ask that everyone count the blessings that aren't obvious. Find the blessing that isn't right in front of you. For once, I wish everyone could be as happy as I am, because, for once, I may be the happiest person in the world.

Totally theiving

2008-11-21T18:59:00.003-06:00

In the spirit of Dana I'm going to have commentary on the comments I have received lately! I'm a total thief!

Tiffany said:

Them's fightin words!

First you talk about my team LSU. THEN you run your mouth about MY movie. And I thought we were gonna have a truce? I don't know if I can forgive you about talking smack about Twilight. Oh I know..

Harry potter sucks ass! How ya like them apples? LOL

A: Get over yourself. Vampires are gay and at least Nebraska hasn't been behind 31-3 to some guy I screwed in high school.

Toe Said:

You stand your ground with that vampire movie!

And a dead baby snake in your washer! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I thought it was safe to come back into your house. Stop inviting me over there if there is a possibility that I'm going to die of heart failure because creepy crawly things! I have to go finds some medication to bring my blood pressure back down to a safe range now.

It was the size of a worm, deal.

Slick asked:

Troy surprised the shit out of me. I was hoping they'd wind up beating LSU...

You telling me you two girls only like bad boys??!

A: If you haven't worn orange you should probably be looking elsewhere.

Wayne asked:

Does that mean if anyone has sex with you, they go to jail, or what?

I'm sick of vampires too...and HSM...

A: It kind of goes both ways. Sometimes they have been there before, sometimes they go after. We are equal opportunity offenders.

Ellie, like me knows nothing about Twilight. KathiD shares my love of June "The Queen Bitch" Cleaver. Caroline, god bless her, is going to see the freaky movie. JAG reminded me I have shit to do. Farrago shares my love of the jive. And Orion is looking forward to Harry too.

And finally Dana had this to add:

1) I find it odd that today, of all days, I've found June Cleaver mentioned on three blogs besides my own. At least I did the whole tribute to the Cleaver Clan.

2) Haven't you ever heard that if you could teach a vibrator how to mow the grass men wouldn't be needed? Wassup with all this felony f**king?? And if they can't carry guns......

3) Are you personally standing outside the prison with a "ME NEXT" sign?????

straight up bullyah woe be da bonkin tatts.

A: No I have no sign. None of us do. We are the poster girls for nice guys finish last. I tried with vibrator, it didn't like the riding lawn mower. What can I say other than I have no idea about the tatts commentary.

I made truffles tonight to take to prison tomorrow. WOOOOO!

so there!

Yeah, I know....

2008-11-18T11:43:00.005-06:00

Ok so I was busy. There was crafting and beer drinking to be done, and frankly they took the lead in the things to get done category. I had some stunning realizations over my week off. In no particular order...

1. The last man I has sex with is a convicted felon and can't own a gun.

2. The last man Leslie had sex with is a convicted felon and can't own a gun.

3. The last man Amy had sex with (and will probably again) is a convicted felon and can't own a gun.

4. Between the three of us we know exactly one man, maybe two, who aren't our fathers and can legally posses firearms.

5. Our, well Leslie's, then Amy's and mine when I'm home friend Lacey has been schooling the Hutch girls on the fine art of speaking "ghetto", like jive only newer.

6. When I'm not busy being humble, I have realized that I am really quite talented when it comes to sewing.

7. We (the offspring and I) are having Thanksgiving dinner tonight. At least I'm in the right month.

8. My basement hasn't flooded and the snake hasn't been seen and there have been no mice...lately. Although I did find a dead baby snake IN the washing machine about a week ago. I'm guessing I picked him up with the towels. Tell me that doesn't make your skin crawl.

9. Basketball season is officially upon us. Things could get kind of ugly around here. The highlight to this is that GWDB won't be playing for some time. It's almost as good as when Tom Fucking Brady got removed in the first quarter of the first game of the year. Again I nominate Bernard Pollard for AFC Player of the year.

10. Leslie put this question out there on Saturday.."Who is Troy" a reference to the fact that LSU was trying not to get beat by them. I told her it was some guy I screwed in high school, not a football team. Who knew.

11. That idiot vampire movie comes out sometime this week. I know now why they moved the Harry Potter movie to summer. You assholes made them. I vow now to put this in the same category as ET. I will NEVER watch it. As a matter of principal, I will never view this movie.

Becky Homeky

2008-11-10T18:50:00.003-06:00

So I invited Toe over for a crafty day on Saturday. No, there were no albino boys. Of course all I cared about was watching the KU Nebraska game. I want very little in life, but I really wanted to watch this game. So Toe shows up, we start crafting, and at 1 I start looking for the game. It's not on.

Here's the thing....I have DirecTV. I don't have GamePlan. I would have paid for GamePlan if the game would have been on. So at 1:10 I realize I'm going to have to listen to the game. So I dial up the local station on my computer, it's not on. They aren't playing the game feed on the computer because KU charges 9.99 to listen to it. So then I go looking for a radio that I already know I don't own. By now it's 1:20, and Toe is somewhat amused.

I finally decide that I'll pay for the pay-per-view. Thirty fucking dollars so I can watch the Huskers avenge the fucking seventy-six they hang on us last year. So I call. I wait. I wait some more. Finally at 1:45 I hang up. The first quarter was over. I have never been so fucking mad about a game in my life. I have waited a year to toss it in the face of BD and I got nothing. NOTHING. I hate direcTV.

On a side note, the Huskers won. OSU didn't and that made me sad. Penn State bit it as well they should have. The Chiefs made a good show and lost anyway. Seriously what is the difference between 2-7 and 1-8. Not a damn thing except draft placement. I am praying for a Tech win on Saturday. Sorry JAG, but I loathe OU.

Take a time out

2008-11-08T21:42:00.002-06:00

I typically wouldn't call attention to pain, but I just read that Gary lost his best friend.

I can't imagine his pain and so I will say, please, love the ones you have. They don't stay forever.

Yurt...look it up

2008-11-07T11:16:00.006-06:00

I have had, in my lifetime, a great number of absolutely fantastical ideas. (Yes that is a word). For my first job, I put the names of all of the major cities that I liked into a cup and drew. That's how I decided where to start applying. A nice man at MD Anderson in Houston talked me out of it. I was Eighteen. I have five tattoos. I chose a profession and totally stuck with it. I have the most kick ass job in history.

Some of my choices were not so hot. I was had fifteen dogs...at one time. I once forgave a man because he forgot to mention that he was married. I once started drinking very early in the morning and by noon didn't know what day it was. All in all though, the good have outweighed the bad, but this...this is the greatest fucking idea I have ever had.

I had decided a while back to retire to an RV. Now when I say RV I really mean one of those giant fucking Luxury RV's.

This little gem here STARTS at $369,000. I want to just be a nomad once my kids are settled and I really like my solitude, so this made fantastical sense to me. Then I heard about the guy who lived in a yurt in the desert with his wife and the literal tied themselves together in a fashion that they are never more than fifteen feet apart. I know, fucking insanity, but the point of this is that I had never heard of a yurt. So I mention this crazy story to the BD and we giggle about it and that's that...until yesterday.

BD found a god forsaken advertisement for yurts in some magazine. And of course, he has to send it to me, because well let's be honest, he has some time on his hands. So I look at it and I giggle about it and then I notice the website. UN_F_ING_BE_LIEVE_ABLE!!!!

It's a giant tent

With electricity, and running water, and evidently a fireplace. I don't even have a fireplace in my house now.

So being who I am, and the fact that they provide a quote sheet, I decide to see what kind of damage it would be. To have everything I wanted and the wind reinforcement and the water collection system and the super insulation and the ceiling fan and the french doors, it was $10,000. Now I realize that doesn't include the land, or the platform or the workers to erect this thing, but it doesn't matter. Not only is it significantly cheaper than the RV idea, it is way cooler.

So you have all been warned. KathiD, in particular should fear this, because I am heading your way!

I'm throwing horns at work

2008-11-05T10:43:00.002-06:00

It's like a peace sign, only much nastier. Just a girl and Leslie and well probably Wayne and oh yea, Orion and Slick will know what throwin horns looks like. I am certain that in my slightly up tight extremely conservative office, I'm not well liked today. Take a real quick guess who DOESN'T care. That's right, me.

I can only hope something, anything, any fucking thing, can and does get accomplished sometime before botox and an ass lift are required for me. I don't want to get old and saggy and have nothing to look forward to. I already have enough of that. I want cotton candy and unicorns bitches. I want happiness, in spades, to make up for the last at least two years.

I wonder how long it will take them to get gas jacked back up to $4? I say four months, any other guesses?

I watched election night with Toe and a friend who may not want to be named, so I won't name her, but it was lots of fun. I drank wine and beer and waited ever so patiently for the inevitable to occur and when it finally did....cotton candy friends, cotton candy. I'm going to go now.

PS-Sometimes I read a blog and have nothing to say. Doesn't mean I don't like it, just means I have nothing meaningful to contribute. Now sometimes I read a blog and it completely pisses me off and I have lots to say, but I don't because my mother taught me better than that. I think there are people that look at my blog and have nothing to say and that is fine, it doesn't make them losers.

WOOOOOO!!!!!

2008-11-04T10:49:00.003-06:00

It's election day and in honor of this, you get a post from each of us. Leslie's is below this and noticeably more funnier. Today my post is a bit sad, and possibly even a little heart wrenching. Please consider yourselves warned.

Today, I say goodbye to an old friend. A cofidentialdant if you will. A man who I have so much respectablity for that it is difficult to put into words. I really like the strategery the RNC used in their selection of the most worser canidate humanly possible to help govern this fine country. I will miss you George W Bush. Like I would miss having a raging case of shingles. Like I miss my former MIL ( not the step one). Like I miss having 15 dogs. Like I hope to miss my basement flooding. Like a mouse misses a snake. Like I would miss having hot acid shot directly into my cervix. I will miss the shit out of you...NOT you ignorant ass.

Thanks. Thanks to the RNC for turning the Republican ticket into the laughing stock of modern politics. Thank you for making it so fucking easy for a lot of people to make a choice. Thank you for calling me this weekend, Laura, Mitt, and Pat Roberts, but nothing you can say is going to change my mind....I voted two weeks ago!

I will be sitting...watching the reports....all fucking night if I have to...until I am comfortable in the knowledge that as a great country...we will never have to have a president who can't put together a coherent sentence in charge anymore....until those fucking fools are gone...and we can get back to taking care of this country...all of it...yes, the ones who need help...not the ones wearing golden parachutes.

Morning Message

2008-11-04T09:46:00.003-06:00

Have to share a text message I got from my friend who is an African American.

"Time to paint the Whitehouse black! Tupac and Biggie are drinking 40's in heaven. Can I get an ahmem!"

The thrill of victory....and the agony of a high pitched shrill

2008-10-31T07:27:00.004-05:00

It's been interesting thus far...and it's only Friday morning. Dear God this doesn't bode well for tonight.

Kathi-It's RENO COUNTY. Toe spent my bail money fixing her car, You'll be our only hope

Scarlett- I'll be back in time, but the snake may have to let you in.

Toe-Please let your former co-workers know that I may be late Monday.

I had written an entire dissertation on what happened last night, but I couldn't do it justice. Let's just say I might be stopping by an attorneys office and using words like slander and defamation. BTW it's not me that had the drama, I just got brought up.

I love this small town. This could be so wrong by midnight that there will again be no words for it! Wish is all luck!

I've been a little busy!

2008-10-29T08:49:00.007-05:00

I have had my hands in many pots of late. Some literal, some figurative. I spent most of the last week trying to remedy the basement flooding situation. Turns out some pipe was crushed and every ounce of rain water for a twenty foot radius seeped into my basement. It was quite joyous.

Every year when it gets cold, I bust out the sewing machine. Summer is for beer drinking and mowing. Winter is for beer drinking and sewing. This year I decided to finally finish Amy's quilt (it only took nine months) and make a bag. I've never made a bag, but it seemed pretty easy. Wrong.

I also decide that I'm Martha fucking Stewart and cook more shit than could ever be eaten, so now I have vats of chili, black beans soup, and potato soup in the freezer. I'm officially becoming my mother.

I know now why I love small towns. I went to this skeezey hardware store looking for a remedy to the washer drain that backs up. It has concrete in it, don't ask. Anyway, it drains, just not very fast , so I went looking for a cheap fix. When I arrived the chatty man working there informed me the only way to fix it was to bust out the floor. That's cheap I'm sure! After much prodding and explanation, he helped me build a pipe set up that would hold enough water until the pipe could drain. Turns out Chatty is the master plumber at the hospital across from where I work. It cost me $14. Rock on!!!!! I got up at five this morning to watch the washer run and I'll be damned if this thing didn't work like a charm....fuck you water in my basement.

(Yes that's my fat ass)

Finally let me say that if you don't here from me by Tuesday it's because I am possibly being detained in the Reno County jail. I'm going home this weekend. Leslie and Amy and I are going out...on Friday...on Halloween, and no Tiffany, we are not dressing up. I always get a little scared when we do this because Hutch is a small small place! Maybe this time there will even be pictures!

Observation

2008-10-28T11:18:00.002-05:00

If you are a dude, in your late 30's, and still wearing your class ring with the large, fake blue stone....take it off. It's not a super bowl ring and if we were to somehow miraculously start dating....I don't want to wear it.

The good, the bad, and the slighty unsavory

2008-10-27T19:47:00.004-05:00

I have been suckered in to Facebook.

I know that I have my own will, but I have spent the last 16 hours looking for people that I haven't seen or spoken to in years and I have learned a great many things, not the least of which is this....

When I was a senior in high school, my parents went out of town. I decided it would be a really great idea to have a kegger in their house. The catch was that you had to be a senior to get in. I let one freshman in but that is another story.

It was large. It was a riot. It was wildly fun. There are an ass load of pictures that I still have to this day. The best one of them all is of everyone piled on the pool table...and Brian Griffith holding my mothers prized beer glass. It was a sight.

The next morning when I arose in my stupor to clean up, I realized the glass was gone. I knew who had had it last and the phone calls started. All of the prime suspects assured me that they had not stolen the glass. It was gone.

When my parents finally arrived, the first fucking thing that my mother noticed was that her glass was gone and I paid dearly for it. I told some lie about how a couple of my girlfriend had come over and I had dropped the glass. Mother was not pleased.

It wasn't until years later that I learned that she had found cookies in the hid-a-bed and ulitmately the pictures to prove that I had thrown a world class beer fest in the house. She didn't care about any of it, but she wanted to know what had happened to her glass.

That brings us to today. While I was being sucked into Facebook I found an old friend. He was there that night, and he was one of the ones I had accused. Finally, after 17 years I learned the fate of "the glass".

hey karen - good to hear from you - thanks for the note.
ok - so - i confess - yes - i took the beer glass thingy.
i was going to return it but lucas and grif broke it playing catch with it!
good times!
W

Closure. I might heart Facebook.

An open letter to my patients

2008-10-23T11:31:00.003-05:00

Dear Ms. 7:45,

While I realize that you live in a slightly underdeveloped area of this city, that is no excuse for not wearing your dentures out for a big day in the city. I would understand if you were just knocking around the farm, but this is public and no one, most of all me wants to see you with out you upper teeth. You have lower teeth (some) feel free to go ahead and put the top ones in too.

Also just because you WANT to see the doctor does not in fact mean you will. If you intend to see the doctor, you NEED AN APPOINTMENT. Do not stand here and tell me that "the nurse" told you you were going to see him today. First of all you never talked to a nurse, you talked to me and I said no such thing. It is not my fault that you waited until four days before your surgery to get clearance, but I would have thought given that you have "all of these problems" you would have thought about it sooner. Procrastination on your part in not an emergency for me.

Dear Ms. 8:30,

I guess you must have lost your appointment card that stated very clearly in black ink what time your appointment was this morning. What you didn't know and didn't need to know is that there are three people ahead of you and more importantly the nurse for your test isn't here until 8:30, so when you show up at 7:25 please do not yell at the office staff and for your own safety, don't yell at me. We schedule appointments for a reason, otherwise this three hour tests would take more like 6 and you could all sit and bitch longer, but we do schedule appointments and the fact that you chose to ignore it is not my fault or problem.

In addition, I am sorry that you don't understand why you have to be here on two separate days, but the fact that you are as wide as you are tall has a little something to do with it. When I take the time to explain the concept of the BMI and the way we do things, DO NOT stand there and argue with me about it. If we were talking about a pound or two that would be one thing. We're not. We are talking about a hundred or two away from the cut off for a one day test. Do not think that because you had dinner with "Dr. Reads the Nucs" one evening five years ago that somehow I give a shit. When your BMI is 65, you are two days without thought.

On that same note, do not whine at me because the camera gets close to you. I'm lucky the fucker will fit over and/or around you. Here's the thing cupcake, when you are 6'4 and weigh 380 pounds things will go rather smoothly. You, however, are not 6'4 and more like 5' fucking nothing and you still weigh 380 pounds. I can't help you. I know you're trying to have the lap band surgery. It doesn't change the situation now. In closing I would just like to say, next time go somewhere else.

Dear Mr. 10:30,

I don't believe for one fucking second that no one told you this was a three hour test. The doctor tells you, the MA tells you, the girl that schedules you tells you and even if not one of those people managed to do their job on that particular day, the piece of paper that you were given, that interestingly you handed to me when you got here, has it written in big bold letter and high-lighted. Go fucking lie to your wife, and leave me alone.

And finally.....Dear Mr. Tuesday & Wednesday 8:30,

This is a doctors office. Not a therapists office and you are here for testing. I will not and should not have to explain the reasons that we have the protocols that we do. Not unlike Ms. 8:30 today, I can not help that you have five stents, weigh about 350 pounds and continue to smoke. More over I can not help that the NRC says that only patients and personnel can be in protected radiation areas. You are SUPPOSED to be a grown ass man, no, your wife does not need to come back. I don't care what "every other person" has done. I am not them and they are not responsible for my tests.

The next time you decide to scream at me in the hall way about these policies and I offer to let you speak to my manager, let me suggest you take that opportunity. See here's the thing, in the event of you coding in my room, I am the only person that stands between you and death. Now in all honesty, I won't let you die, that would generate to much paperwork. What I will do however is prolong the amount of time that it takes to make you comfortable. What should really bother you is that I know enough about the crash cart to make sure that whatever you might need won't be readily accessible, except for the nitro, it goes back to the death thing. I will not be screamed at by some fat fucking hillbilly that wants his mommy in the room for the tests. Grow a pair. If you can't muster that, I'll let you borrow mine. Either way, shut the fuck up.

(signed)
Your loving NCT

PS Tom Brady's knee is infected, how great is that!

Aren't you cute!!!

2008-10-19T20:24:00.004-05:00

I got an award!!!!!

I'm supposed to list six things that make me happy. Try this on.

1. Sex. Do I really have to go into this one.

2. My kids, I may bitch about them, but really I think they rock.

3. Ipod. I have consistent a reminder of my thoughts in the form of music. I'm happy, sad, and empowered all in fifteen minutes.

4. Trivia Pursuit. Leslie and I will play until we know the answers because we have already heard them that night. It's almost better than sex.

5. My bed. It's the mecca. I have pillows that I have had for years and they know exactly where to go when they see me coming.

6. My friends. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them. Leslie, Amy, Danae, Toe, Neil and Matt. Each one is fabulous for their own reason, but I can't imagine my life without them.

I'm supposed to tag, but right now, I'm having a moment. Take it. You all deserve it. I have a cigarette with my name on it!

Thanks again Tiffany!

Who's the bitch

2008-10-19T18:50:00.008-05:00

I started smoking again Friday night. We won't talk about it.

So Saturday Toe graced me with her ability. Please excuse my joy. She did an amazing job!

We won't be able to discuss the rest of my weekend as I am still at a loss for words at the full extent of the ingnorance of men. Seriously some of you are not very bright.

Here's a hint....when you tune the instrument, you play. When you rev the engine, you drive. When you say you're going to wear me out, you damn well better. Dumb ass.

I'm not so sure I TGIF

2008-10-17T08:39:00.003-05:00

OK so here we are...days three. The old story is that if you can make it 72 hours, the nicotine will actually be out of your body and some other non-sense. I think it's all a big bunch of propaganda, and I hate the people that spew this crap. However, I have not smoked since Tuesday evening before 7 and frankly the fact that I haven't killed anyone or been fired is simply miraculous.

I have two things to say....

1. Simon is a unicorn

2. I will be the first president that will have a cabinet level secretary of plumbing.

Moving on. There has been no sighting of the snake. I like to think that the thing has gone back to the yard, but I will let you all know how this plays out.

It's Friday and typically this means lots of beer and cigarettes and laundry. Let's evaluate the problems with this scenario....Beer makes me want to smoke and smoking is off limits. Both cost a significant amount of money in the amounts that I want them on a Friday night. So this means that I will have to do the fucking laundry in the company of the snake without the aid of beer and cigarettes.

I kind of wish it were Monday. I leave you with this...please notice Simon is on Wendy's shirt!

2008-10-15T11:10:00.002-05:00

So I wasn't eaten by the snake. Why you ask, because it was gone when I finally went to check on it. GONE. As in it may still be in the house, or it may be in my closet, who knows. All I know is that I finally identified it as a ring neck snake and at most it will only get 15 inches long. If need be I will kill it in a drunken stupor the next time I see it.

Who's excited for the debate? Me, and I suspect Leslie, that's who. I'm hoping to be able to make it through more of this one than I did the last one. Remember every time the word maverick is used, you have to shotgun a beer!

I have decided to try once again to quit smoking. Not for noble reasons like my health or that of my children, but because I am trying to save money. How sad am I. I have been keeping track of my daily expenditures and the gas station, home to cigarettes, beer, and the best fountain soda ever, seems to be the money pit. I am not happy about this decision, and could very well change my mind like I did last time, but for now it has been about 15 hours since I had a cigarette. Let me assure you all that I am no fool. I brought the Xanax to work. I need to keep my job.

The only thing that saved this past weekend from being the worst football weekend of my life was the fact that the Chiefs didn't actually play. Let's evaluate....OU lost (save it jag), Missouri lost, Nebraska acted like they might win, but eventually lost. The problem here is that Missouri now has to go play Texas and if they win then it will be a rematch in the championship game and if they lose to Texas which I suspect they will, then KU will go to the Championship game and get smoked by Texas in December. The ONLY reason I care is because it involves money. My money. I have six more tickets to the game and I would like to make a hefty profit. Unbeaten vs unbeaten would have done that. OU/Mizzou would have done that. Unbeaten Texas/1 loss Mizzou may have done it, but none of the remaining scenarios are looking pretty.

And really if the Chiefs could suck any more, I sure they'd feel it on the west coast.

Because the laundry isn't bad enough

2008-10-12T07:13:00.003-05:00

So I was mowing last week and I saw the resident anaconda that lives somewhere in my yard. As usual I had to fight the urge to jump of the mower and run screaming into the house and lock all of the doors. I see this damn snake regularly, you would think I would be used to it. What I'm about to tell you I will never get used to.

I started the weekly laundry ritual on Friday. This means two loads and loads of beer. Everything was fine. Saturday, I went down to the basement and continued the nightmare. All was quite in the basement. After soccer and it's associated hell I got home and went down to start the next to the last load and as I was leaving the basement something caught my eye.

Lying in the middle of the basement floor. Not moving. I stood there, frozen like a bad horror movie I saw it. About eight inches long and totally immobile was what appeared to be a black rope. I started sweating, might have thrown up a little in my mouth. I decided I had to do something about it, but I could figure out what. I circled it and it still didn't move. I decide the little fuck is dead. I want a drink, and a cigarette while I decide what to do. I can have neither, because I can't move.

Finally I grab a tote box that was empty by the door and I move in for the kill or removal of the kill. What exactly I thought I was going to do with a box, I'm not sure. As I get close, the little fucker raises his head. Now I don't get to scream because my kid is upstairs and she will hear and then decide that she can not live here which I have already decided. Finally I throw the tote over the snake and run upstairs.

I haven't been back down since. I have to go down now to get the laundry and put in the last load, so if you don't hear from me it means the little shit called in reinforcements and I have been eaten in my own basement. Wish me luck.

What? She's a real person?

2008-10-07T15:23:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine told me about this book she's reading called The Autobiography of Alice B Toklas. I freaked for a minute because I thought Alice wasn't a real person. I thought it was a made up name from an old Peter Sellers movie called I Love You, Alice B Toklas. If you wikipedia her and see the movie, it makes some sense. What really made me giggle was remembering the day my college roomie and I watched that movie. Not only did we watch that, but we watched an all midget western. Repeat. All Midget Western. And we weren't even high.

She is the best friend ever

2008-10-07T12:08:00.001-05:00

Leslie's girl sent this to her and she sent it to me and frankly I think it's hilarious and now, because I'm to tired to put together a complete thought.....bring on the debate!

I'm almost speechless

2008-10-03T10:31:00.006-05:00

1. I thought Barak Obama was running with Joe Biden. Who the hell in Senator O Biden?

2. Biden sounded a touch frustrated at a couple of times. Who can blame him.

3. Maverick was a character in "Top Gun". Had a good heart but got his co-pilot killed.

4. All of the above is only an answer on a multiple choice test in grade school.

5. If we are so much a like then I need to know where my $5000 Valentino jacket is. I own about five things that cost $5000 and my boobs count for two of them. We have little if absolutely nothing in common.

6. If you insist on using the name Ahmadinejād (Iranian President) ((I love to say his name)) seventy six times then please try to remember that General David McKiernan is the commander in Afghanistan, General Mclellan (whatever) is not.

7. Who knew Tina Turner had such a huge Lesbian following. If I hadn't seen the tickets myself, I would have thought I boarded the Rosie ODonnell cruise Wednesday night with my parents.

8. At 68 Tina Turner has better legs and more rhythm than I have ever had. She was amazing. They played this really cool montage of her starting all the way back when Ike found her at about 15.

9. I got weepy at the opening strains of "River Deep, Mountain High".

Again at "Better be good to me"

and again at "Simply the Best".

I also cry when they play the national anthem at Arrowhead on Sunday's. I'm sure about other days, I only know about Sunday. For that matter I get choked up at kick off of almost every football game I watch.

10. I have only one child this weekend and that is almost like being alone. Who wants to bet I accomplish nothing and then some.

11. I am so happy that new TV is on. I saw things on Sons of Anarchy that actually made it hard for me to watch. Dirty Sexy Money is currently my favorite, hands down, show on right now, and The Hills finally had a decent episode. Of course it ends next week.

12. I went to get gas the other day and it cost less than $70. I almost cried...again....I need therapy.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. I will leave you with this. This is a little montage of opening night...in Kansas City...that my parents were nice enough to take me to. Let us not forget. That lady is sixty-fucking-eight.

(guess who's weepy right this second)

Of ink and men

2008-09-30T16:16:00.003-05:00

It is no secret that I love me some tattoos. I like them on me. I like them on my men. I just plain like a nice piece or work.

It is also no secret that I have the BD's initials tattooed on the side of my chest. I have my reasons, and let me assure the reason wasn't so he would come running back to me and love me forever. It was all about something else.

Our girl Amy must have a cape the flies from her punanny. I do not by any means intend this to be funny. She has got some kind of voodoo punanny. (ignore the video and listen to the song)

The shit she gets away with is mind blowing at best and while I will not go into great detail, let me assure you that when she is working her magic it is nothing short of awe inspiring.

See her now EX-husband has fucking run out and gotten a giant tattoo on his chest. It does include his children's name on the wings of a heart, but the truly jacked up part is that it has a big banner WITH HER MAIDEN NAME IN IT. Now my BD knew what I was going to do. Let's just say she didn't. I think the word used was creepy. I have to agree. It would have been nice if he would have thought about this before his little indiscretion, but he's ass, what can we expect.

Now before you all worry TOO much about our girl, let me assure you, she hasn't lost her touch and I continue to be in awe of her most every single day.

Things I've learned recently

2008-09-28T05:44:00.005-05:00

So I got up at five this morning to make brownies for my trip to the pen today. I'm a good women, I know. Anyway, I used this time to catch up on my blogs and I learned oh so much. Like.....

Dana had found some weird website which allows you to animate still photos. She now has a picture of herself in an outhouse dropping a load. I was traumatized by this, but not as much as the one of Tiffany. She ended up looking, well to be kind, a touch slow. Their incessant love fest is horrible and frankly it makes me jealous.

Legion wrote a post titled "Yukon Ho......" It's all about camping, but Farrago left a comment that he thought it was going to be about Sara Palin. I laughed out loud and spit DDP everywhere. That was fucking funny.

Wayne still isn't a quitter.

QSB, of Queen of the Mayhem as you might know her hosted a party for her daughter where a bunch of the pre-teen guest had blackberries. I DON"T HAVE A BLACKBERRY. It's insane.

The girls at Me and You and Ellie have concocted a drinking game for the debates. It's too bad I didn't find this on Friday, but I fully intend to use it for the vice-presidential debate this week. I may have to call in sick to work this Friday.

Caroline is making changes and has finally put up a picture. Unfortunately she is stupid cute and again I'm totally jealous.

KathiD has run off to somewhere and hasn't been heard from. Maybe the chicken staged a coup and have taken over the household.

Toe had to remind us how to be human. Who knew that people could be so ignorant.

I found out, because I don't watch the news, that Atlanta has no gas. Slick described looking for fuel and berated woman who drive to E. Oh well, I'll probably continue to drive til I have nothing but fumes.

Orion has a jacked up obsession with his own death. I suspect he needs to get out more.

HellesBelles is a better human being than I will ever even try to be and she deserves to be commended.

Georgie went to the Tulsa State Fair. Say it with me now...Tulsa as not a state. Leave it to the silly Okies to name it that.

Tasha has a cat that could eat my youngest daughter.

Just a girl needs the big high five of the week. She quit, but I suspect that's a good thing and so I will be sending the good jou jou her way, and yes you can still be one of the cool kids. Also she has a really scary picture of what I assume is a longhorn....dear God.

And apparently Jill doesn't like dog. Who doesn't like dogs????

Scarlet made some supre sweet looking muffins and I'm hopeful she's sending them my way.

I am hopeful that Leslie's onslaught has slowed. I hate it when her ears bleed.

I must go now, the prison awaits.

What is up with September?

2008-09-25T22:00:00.008-05:00

I am in a shit storm.

First there is the friend with the numb skull husband...now ex-husband. Then my ex gets popped by the feds. Now my best guy friend is having problems with his job, which in turn leads to problems with his girl. Glad the spare room is vacant again. He may have to use it. And the latest is with another dear friend. Her boyfriend has decided to mindfuck her.

I think my ears are bleeding.

I am not a quitter

2008-09-23T10:02:00.006-05:00

Winners never quit and quitters never win. That little tidbit came from some basketball coach when I was in the seventh grade. Apparently I took that shit to heart and ran with it.

I once dated a married man who didn't mention he was married. That went on for 18 months until I caught him cheating.

I dated a man who regularly told his ex he loved her because they were friends. I finally got rid of him when I found the vials of steroids in my basement.

I am aware that eating more calories than one exerts will cause me to gain weight, yet, I rarely exercise control with food.

I know that the law requires us to wear our seat belts, but I continue to get in and drive all over hells half acre without one.

I have never learned to quit. None of us have. Not me. Not Leslie. Not my newly divorced buddy. None of us bitches will quit anything.

It took her husband sleeping with his ex-wife to get my friend to leave a marriage that she wanted to leave, but she wouldn't quit. I continue to be in love with a man who is in prison, and frankly treated me kinda bad when he wasn't, because I won't quit. I know that secretly Leslie would like to know how the ATF boy is fairing and what he's looking at because she won't quit either. WE DO NOT QUIT!

Most of all I won't quit smoking. I could have used can't, but that isn't exactly true. I could, I simply don't want too. I went almost 24 hours from Sunday to Monday. I didn't get a pack because I was angry, I got a pack because I just really like to smoke. I love the first cigarette of the day like I like to get laid...a lot. I know that I should, but I have come to the decision that not only am I not going to, I'm not even going to pretend like I'm going to think about it anymore. I have no intentions. I have my non-quitter friends, and I love that not a fucking one us knows how to quit.

No one likes a quitter. (expect Wayne, we like Wayne)

Hopefully I'm back.

2008-09-21T22:07:00.006-05:00

The last 5 days have been extremely intense. As Karen alluded to in her previous post, one of our friends found out some ugly news which led her to get an immediate divorce. And when I say immediate....I mean pretty fucking quick. She found out Tuesday at approximately 3:20....saw a lawyer Wednesday at 3:00...and the divorce was final Friday at 5:00. I am completely serious. She had been staying with me up until today. She is finally back in her own home able to lay on her own couch, watch her own tv, and pet her own dog. Things will be ok for her and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am the friend Karen spoke of who had an ex get popped by the Feds. I haven't spoken to him in months, but I have somewhat of a relationship with his mother, if you want to call her calling me every time he gets arrested a relationship. She phoned me Friday with the latest news. She wanted me to come over and talk. (Yea for me!) He is currently in the Sedgwick County Jail on a hold for the ATF with no bond. Sucks to be him. He's an ex for a reason.

I feel a bit like the center of a tornado. I am the calm in the center and there is all this debris whipping around me. I know shit usually comes in threes....but I would so be ok with just two.

Couple of things

2008-09-20T19:57:00.002-05:00

I'm an official soccer mom

I also tried the follower thingy on Google and I also use Google reader. I inadvertently erased every unread blog that I had. So, please forgive me while I do not comment on anything from the last three days.

I have abandoned follower, and will stick with reader. Shit, did I miss anything?

What a weird week

2008-09-20T08:19:00.004-05:00

So I am back for now, and since the laundry is done and the hair is coloring I thought I would drop in a share some randomness. It's what I am good at.

I am not sure why people do not feel the need to flush the toilets in public bathrooms. It isn't like there is a surplus of places to pee at the city park, so do us all a favor and flush the stinking toilet.

I find it amusing that Sarah Palin's yahoo account got hacked. I mean really, conducting state business on Yahoo. This is definitely one sharp cookie. I don't care if that dumb bitch does have a uterus, I wouldn't vote for her if it was a requirement to live. PS nice job on your staff refusing to testify, that doesn't look bad or anything.

I woke up at 4 this morning to watch an infomercial about a clothes steamer. I won't iron, but I love my steam mop so much that at one point I actually had to put the phone down, although it looks like lots of fun. Maybe for Christmas Santa will bring me one.

Speaking of Christmas, we were at Target yesterday and while I was perusing the skull and crossbones items in the Halloween section, I turned around and saw Christmas cards. Are you fucking joking? It isn't even officially fall yet. What a conspiracy.

The Chiefs are SO incredibly horrific that I don't even care that I am going to miss the game tomorrow. I mean they seriously suck ass and it is painful to watch.

And finally, the crisis. We have this buddy that was married. Now when I say "was" I mean she got divorced in approximately 47 hours. I have a suggestion for any of the men that happen to read this blog....DO NOT FUCK YOUR EX-WIFE. It doesn't end good for anyone. There are no words to express the indescribable shock and ensuing pain that came with this revelation, for all of us. You see she had the marriage that we all wanted, or at least I did. So I guess the good news is she is going to be OK, they didn't break her, and I really have no desire to be married now. I am hopeful that nothing like this ever happens to anyone I know again.

And on a slightly lighter note, another friend got news that one of her previous got popped by the Feds (DEA,ATF) and will not be bringing joy and sunshine to anyone again for quite sometime. I do believe words like "life" and "roll" got brought up. I'm glad, the stupid fuck deserves it.

It was a big week at casa Karen this week. It kind of makes me wonder whats is store for me, and that folks is scary.

So I will end with one of my very favorite things ever! HOT TUB

Please excuse the interruption

2008-09-18T21:46:00.007-05:00

I know we haven't been here for a couple of days. We are having a family crisis. By family I mean the people that we both love the most. By family I mean those that are not bound by blood, but by love. We probably won't be around for a couple of more days, but while we're gone think about those people that are special.

When the smoke has cleared and our friend is OK we will come back. Until then we will be doing the only thing we can do, supporting her and taking care of her. Family is first and there is more to family than blood.

God help us all

2008-09-15T20:24:00.000-05:00

For several reasons...none of which I will address tonight!

Driving Observation

2008-09-15T12:48:00.003-05:00

While I was out getting myself a new soda I came across a sign at Smokes 4 Less. It said..."Smoking...something the whole family can enjoy." I don't know how great of an advertising lure that is.